Elvira Castellanos's Comments

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At 8:43pm on May 17, 2014, Barbara Maier said…
Hi El, so happy to hear from you, as the last two days have been horrible, I feel like I'm drowning in sorrow. Can't stop crying, just not in a good place. I too went out with friends of ours for dinner, as they have been asking me to go , for some time, and I finally accepted, only to find it made me sadder, not having him there, was just not the same, he was the joker, and always made the evening so much fun, I guess it will never be the same. I have great friends, and I. Know they are trying to help me through, but this change is so hard , and I find myself trying to smile not to make people uncomfortable, as I'm dying inside.i know you understand. I'm so glad that you had a good day with your daughter in law, for a few moments, you can almost feel normal again,, but how soon the reality comes back. The wedding sounds wonderful, and I know how much you will be missing him.so very hard to smile , but I know you will ,for your sons special day, bitter sweet. I know we have to go on for the ones we love, and love us, but how it's going to get easier, I don't know. Again they are building their lives, we are left with memories, they just don't seem like enough right now. I pray for strength, and acceptance, hope my prayers are answered. Have no ambition to do much of any thing. I to got a mani, pedi every two weeks, and I havnt since March, actually ine been picking, and biting my nails, what a mess. I have a wedding to go to June 7, and I. Know I will have to do them for that occasion, he loved when I got them done, especially, the french manicure. You know I can't even listen to the radio, it seems every song I hear, is just a reminder of us. Sorry to go on and on, but it helps to know someone else feels the same emtyness, and for some reason when I write to you, I feel a little better, letting my feeling out. I know your on the go, but I hope we can meet one day. I'm leaving for Fla, on June 12, we have a home there too, and I have to get back to tie up loose ends there. It will also be, a trying time. He loved it there, and we would always go after Christmas for a few months. He loved the weather, loved to fish , take rides to the beach, and just chill. Thanks for listening El, even though we havnt met yet, I feel you are my friend, I sincerely hope we can travel this long journey together, and help each other through it. Write soon, hugs to you too
At 6:55am on May 16, 2014, Barbara Maier said…
Good morning, El, hope you had a good day. Weather isn't helping my mood, but trying to manage. Been busy trying to get everything in order, seems endless. Another trip to motor vehicle, yesterday, hope I'm done with that. I'm sure you are busy also, with the wedding plans, maybe that's a good thing. Where is the wedding going to be? Did you get your dress yet, like to hear about it. In my thoughts, hope you have a decent week end. Be in touch soon.
At 8:04am on May 15, 2014, Marie said…

Elvira,  My daughter lives in Manhattan on the Upper East side.  So we could definitely get together one day.  It will be so much fun going to the dress fitting and more than likely grabbing a bite to eat somewhere.  I hear you when you say you fix one thing and another one breaks.  That seems to be whats happening to me lately. But we figure things out and get through it even if it means along with a lot of tears.  Some nights I think to myself will I ever be able to really relax again.  The kind of relaxing that you have a peace in you because everything in your life is where it should be. I don't think that will ever happen again.  Even when I relax I feel on edge, hard to explain. At times when life gets too overwhelming I feel that crying a little seems to help.  So, if you need to cry go ahead if it makes you feel better for the next day or two it was worth it.  Hugs


At 6:44am on May 14, 2014, Marie said…

Elvira,  I too wish my children lived closer like your sons do to you.  But I understand that their careers have taken them where they are.  The plus is that my daughter might be able to spend a longer period of time over the summer since she is a teacher in NYC and has decided that because of what happened she doesn't want to travel this year all summer.  I hope she doesn't change her mind and does come out.  I had to chuckle just a little when you told me about your roof.  I had to replace mine as well and it was a nerve racking decision. What is with our husbands being gone and needed new roofs :).  You'll figure it out and I'm sure you can get some advise from neighbors that have replaced theirs. Just be sure to get at least 3 quotes so you can compare pricing. Life is bittersweet here you are mourning the loss of your husband and yet a beautiful child will be arriving soon.  It must be difficult to be both sad and happy at the same time.  I don't know how far from NYC you are but if it wasn't too far then perhaps next time I'm visiting my daughter we could make arrangements to meet. 

Have a peaceful day without too many tears.


At 9:44pm on May 12, 2014, Marie said…

Hi Elvira,  I'm glad you went to your sons for a BBQ.  I know it was difficult but if you think back now you will probably realize you had a few good moments with your family. We have this gray cloud hanging over us all the time with the sun peaking out at times. It is during these times that we have a moment of peace.  I know all too well how you must be feeling about your sons wedding.  Mine was reverse.  Our son got married and 5 days later his father was killed.  It took away from the joy of what should be a beautiful time.  But each day you will get a little stronger, you may not think so but you will.  You'll get through the wedding and yes you will cry and be sad at times but you're strong and you can do it.

I had a lovely time with my daughter and am so happy she came out for Mothers Day.  I don't know what I would have done without her here.  It was so sad taking her to the airport today.  Now its just me and the dog again.  I try not to think about it but lets be honest what else do we think about all day long. Have a peaceful night and try not to cry. I'm not saying don't cry at all just try not to get yourself upset and sick.  Thinking of you always.


At 8:10am on May 12, 2014, Barbara Maier said…
Good morning and thank you for the birthday wish. Birthday ,mothers day was very hard to enjoy, my kids do the best they can, to make things as pleasant as they can ,and I love them for that, but no one can take away the emtyness and loss I feel. I know he does not want me to suffer,but I cant find the acceptance to move on. Everyone, says you have to live again, and he's in a better place, this is little comfort for me, as I still want him here. I have no spark left, just struggling by each day.we walk in the same shoes, you and I and only we can feel the void in our lives.so greatful we connected. My one daughter lives in Bergen county, rochelle park, maybe we can get to meet, when I'm up that way.ill let you know when. Try to have a better day, your always in my thoughts, will write soon
At 6:20am on May 9, 2014, Barbara Maier said…
Thanks, I will call you. Today is my birthday, no card, no flowers,just memories of birthdays past. He always made them special, so this is a hard day.like you,just want him here, this is like a bad dream, that I'm not wakeing up from. Still can't believe this is real. My children, are trying to fill the void, but no one can, I thank them from the bottom of my broken heart for trying. One day I hope I can smile, remembering the good times, but for now I'm to broken. Hope you have a better day, I will be in touch. Thinking of you, and sending a hug your way.
At 9:33pm on May 8, 2014, Marie said…

I know what you mean about people not calling as much as they used to.  My own brothers and sister rarely call me.  It hurts me when they do that.  One of my brothers actually said "you'll be fine" can you believe that? This is when I get so angry that I wish bad things happen to people that say things like that.  I know it's not right and I really don't mean it but it hurts to hear people talk like that. What you need to do is focus on the one or two people that do want to help you and embrace that.  I have a few wonderful friends that call me and always make sure I have somewhere to go especially when a holiday or special occasion is approaching. I'm sure you have friends and family that will help you through this.  I wish I was near you so we could talk and give each other a hug. If we don't talk have a wonderful Mothers Day at your sons. I'll be thinking of you and wishing you a beautiful and peaceful day.  Marie

At 7:51pm on May 8, 2014, Terry Kent said…

Hi Elvira:

Thanks for writing.  I'm trying to hang in there.  Since our busy winter season is over I feel like everything happened all over again, since now it's calmer and there's not as much distraction.  My kids and I went to Hilton Head Island in South Carolina over Easter break.  We already had it paid for because we all did it every year for the past 3 years.  My husband's brother and his wife came with us, and that was a nice distraction.  My kids and I agreed we would probably turned around and came home if they hadn't been there.  It was a nice change of scenery, but very, very difficult for me.  I had to retrace all the steps my husband and I took--walking the dogs, riding bikes, watching sunsets, etc. and I cried so much.  At least when you come home for some reason your house looks better and you're glad to see it.  I'm just unable to accept the permanence of all of this and really lonely when my kids are out with their lives.  I feel like I'm in a silent world.  I have plenty of projects to do but I'm trying to motivate myself.  I just get in these slumps and sit on the couch and cry.  I need to start exercising and get moving--really need to stop eating over stress and sadness and lose a few pounds.  It's hard.  When the school year is over (my daughter is 15) I'm going to get in touch with you and drive up north and we can meet for lunch some day, okay?  You're not that far away--about an hour and a half maybe, and I'd look forward to the chance to meet and talk, share some of our memories with each other if you would like to.  I know you have a wedding coming up so we can maybe meet up somewhere close to you that's easy for you to get to after that.  Maybe we can have lunch in Hoboken or anywhere you suggest--I'm a traveler so I can find anything.  Thanks for reaching out, every day is a struggle so I know you can understand that.  You take care, and keep in touch.   Terry

At 5:23pm on May 8, 2014, Barbara Maier said…
Thanks for the come back. Just a bleak dark day, hoping tomorrow is better.. Talk to you when this dark cloud lifts a bit. Prayers and hugs.
At 1:27pm on May 8, 2014, Barbara Maier said…
Hi,El, not a good day. I've in tears from this morning. Why so hard to keep it together. God give me strength. Actually making me physically sick
At 11:14am on May 7, 2014, Marie said…

Dear Elvira,  Why our husbands is a question that plays over and over in my mind everyday.  These were good men and were taken away from us much to soon.  I know this is wrong but I think of all the bad people in the world and they are still alive and continue to do bad things and I ask God why didn't he take them instead.  There is no explanation to this.  It'll be 10 months since John passed on Mothers Day and my family and friends think I should be fine now.  They don't understand the anxiety and fear.  This is forever and sometimes I don't know what I'm going to do as I get older and have no one around. It all boils down to the fact that we are alone and need to figure out how to survive.  Until the others go through what we are going through they don't and won't understand.

Try to have fun on your vacation with your sister.  I know it won't feel the same and there will be an emptiness that surrounds you but try to at least have a few hours each day that you can forget for a moment and be happy.

Hope you have a little peace today.


At 9:43pm on May 6, 2014, Marie said…

Elvira,  I had a feeling that things weren't going well for you.  I know I always say I'm sorry but I guess that's pretty much all we can say to one another.  I do know how you feel and I know that for you the wound is so raw.  I miss my husband everyday and like you I wonder how I'm going to survive.  People will say that I'm so strong and doing so well but their not with me when I'm home at night alone and crying.  I too was concerned about Mothers Day and was thinking of ways to keep myself busy but then my daughter called and said that she is planning on coming home for the weekend.  This gives me something to look forward to. Be strong Elvira, Pablo would have wanted that.  Try your best to take care of yourself and to get some sleep.  If you can't sleep at night then perhaps after work a nap would help.  I'm here if you need to talk and just let it all out.  Prayers and hugs coming your way.


At 6:42am on May 5, 2014, Marie said…

Elvira,  I hope you're feeling better.  I haven't heard from you and wanted to make sure you're alright.  Thinking of you always.


At 9:29pm on May 1, 2014, Marie said…

Elvira,  I understand about the Journal because I can't do it either.  I thought I would pass on to you what people tell me in case you would have been interested in doing something like that. I hope you're feeling better and the antibiotics are working.  I know how your dream of Pablo may have brought on more sadness and anxiety.  The first dream I had about John he looked at me and then started walking away and I was calling to him but he wouldn't answer.  There were several more weird ones after that too.  All of them made me very sad but I think its our minds way of letting go and saying goodbye.  Hope you feeling better tomorrow and talk soon.

Prayers and hugs,


At 6:53am on May 1, 2014, Barbara Maier said…
Oh Elvira, I ask myself all the same questions overand over, I too have no answers, wish I would know that, Jack is in heaven and happy, and pain free.no signs to ease my pain either, maybe I'm asking to much.my daughter tells me the sparkle in my eyes is gone, can't seem to find any thing to smile about. Can't sleep well and the days are endless. I think of him every minute of everyday, and miss him till it hurts inside and out.I pray we both somehow get through this some how some way,but it seems to be a journey that will never end. I know the wounds are still fresh, and everyone says it takes time to heal, I too have a hard time thinking that day will come.sometimes I just don't want to face the day. It's a struggle to get out of bed, shower, do my hair, get dressed etc. when I do, its also hard, because he would always tell me how great I looked, or he liked what I was wearing, that's all gone now.i try to put a brave face on for my kids, who have been wonderful, and supportive,but they have their own lives, and families, they leave and im alone with the silence once again. I wish we could take away each others pain, as no one really knows what we are facing everyday, unless they have been in our shoes. I will pray for us both, and we will try to help each other to try to understand all that has happened, and get by each day. I'm there for you, and hope we continue to connect. Write soon, take care,in my thoughts,and prayers
At 11:28am on April 30, 2014, Barbara Maier said…
Elvira,so glad you wrote back.to me it was a sudden shock also.we went to bed, and he was gone in the morning when I woke.my husband, Jack, loved life so much, he enjoyed riding his motorcycle, fishing, and being with the grand kids. He was the most generous,giving person to any one in need. He called me his queen, and treated me that way, I was so spoiled. I drive myself nuts with the whys and ifs, even though I know I can't change what happened. So lost and alone, and the silence is so painful. I know you are feeling the same emotions, and I hope it will get easier, but I have my doubts. I pray you can enjoy the wedding and a new grand baby, maybe that will bring you some joy. Even though it's a struggle, we wake up each day and , try to get by, very very difficult, nothing is the way it was or will ever be again.i try to remember all the great memories, and how wonderful he was,and how any peoples lives he touched, all while I wipe away the tears, and I know you are doing the same. Someday maybe I will come to an acceptance,of why hehad to leave so soon, but for now I can't make any sense of it. Hope in not being gloom and doom,just putting my feelings out there.dont want to bring you down,but I'm sure you an relate. Just know that your not alone grieving,I too feel your pain. Take care, my friend,try to write again later, sending you a hug for comfort.
At 6:02am on April 30, 2014, Barbara Maier said…
Hi Elvira, I'm from NJ too, lost my husband in March,it's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I joined this site to try to get some comfort, knowing others are feeling the same pain. I also am crying all the time, hard to control the emotion. Connected with Marie, she is so sweet, hope to talk with you more too.
At 9:44pm on April 29, 2014, Marie said…

Elvira,  I'm sorry your not feeling well.  I hope you weren't sick at the bridal shower.  I'm happy you were able to get through it and enjoy it a little bit.  Your husband would have wanted you too. Did you ever think of keeping a journal and writing to your husband in it?  Lots of people have suggested I do it. I think I need to get my self in the right frame of mind to try it.  Hope your meds are helping and you are feeling a little better today.  Try to have a restful night.



At 10:39am on April 25, 2014, Marie said…

Elvira,  Sounds like your insurance agent is a jerk and lacks compassion.  You will find over time when you need to deal with salespeople some will try to take advantage of you and are real jerks but there are many out there that are understanding and actually willing to help.  I know because I needed a new roof put on the house and a furnace and it was amazing what I had to go through.  One thing to remember is that we are smart ladies and they can't con us.  I understand how the situation made you feel sad and depressed and I'm so sorry.  It's really difficult making decisions without our husbands to help. Like I said before and continue to say... this sucks and why us.  Thinking of you and wishing you a peaceful day.


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