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At 8:08am on September 5, 2011, Janet - Todd's Mom said…

Hi JoAnn - Your therapist sounds excellent.  I never would have thought of what your therapist said-that as I show signs of healing that John would show more signs of grieving, but that's exactly what is happening.  Although I hardly feel as though I'm healing.  Every time I take a shower and the water runs cool, I think of how Todd's dermatologist told him to take lukewarm showers for his excema, not the hot showers he liked to help him wake up in the morning.  He didn't complain about it, just accepted what had to be with a little grin, even though he missed the hot showers.  And then the "air drying".  Some time ago I asked him what in the world was taking so long as we were leaving for a holiday dinner at my parents' house; he told me that towel drying irritated his skin, so he'd stay in his room to "air dry".  I thought that was hilarious! My skin is sensitive too..both of us were bothered by tags on clothes..they'd feel so scratchy that we'd cut them off.  He & I had so much in common that I've written a list and constantly adding to it.  My husband always seems to think the opposite of what I'm thinking, or do things exactly the opposite way of how I would do the something.   It's exasperating, but he doesn't do it on purpose.  It's just a different way of thinking.  Todd thought exactly the way that I thought about most everything..how to do things, how to fix things, etc.  It wasn't deliberate, he'd just do it.  My husband resents having to fix anything, just like his father did.  Todd saw it as a challenge to be figured out, just as my father had when I was growing up. 

When you said that you can see and hear Tyler so clearly in your mind that it's inconceivable to you that he is gone - that's exactly what happens to me every day!  It comes as a shock to me, followed by searing pain and the wish that my life would just end right now.  How can a human body endure so much pain?  The pain should have killed me by now. 

 

 

At 9:49am on August 30, 2011, Janet - Todd's Mom said…

Hi JoAnn - I know what you mean when you say that you feel more surprised than guilty when you have 'good' days.  I've was surprised when I could laugh with friends when watching our dogs run & play & do silly things..Todd loved animals and I'm sure he would laugh too.  It does surprise me that I can LOL.  Lately I've been having new memories of Todd that I hadn't thought about in years.  They make me cry and want to scream.  My husband is feeling more pain now than last year.  He told me it feels like a knife in his heart.  Yes, I think we ALL know that feeling.  For two years he has been telling me be 'thankful for the time we had with him and all of the good times', and that 'Todd didn't suffer, he was actually positive he was going back to work in a few days, just before the doctors put him in a medically induced coma'.  NOW, John is starting to get teary-eyed and have difficulty speaking when we talk about Todd. Because I appear to be getting a little better and he can stop worrying that he's going to lose me too, he's feeling his own pain now more than ever.  We both ask "why", especially when watching the news about people who do horrible things, yet they live.  We'll always wonder why.  My mother-in-law thought it was to prevent something worse from happening to Todd later in life, i.e. suffering.  

It's good to hear that you can have good times with your sisters.  We need to have good times; Tyler and Todd would want us to have fun again.  And yes, I'll do some walking for you!  :)  First I have to remember to do my stretching exercises, because I always ache after any kind of exercise.  If I did the stretching exercises I learned in physical therapy (which I stopped abruptly when Todd went in the hospital), I wouldn't have the pain.  

I hope and pray that you were not affected by hurricane Irene.  We were spared; no flooding, no fallen trees on our street, and no loss of power!  How about you?

Love,

Janet    

At 12:50pm on August 18, 2011, Janet - Todd's Mom said…

Hi JoAnn - It's always so good to hear from you and to hear that you are my "own little support group".  You have no idea how much this helps me!  You mentioned it feels like a giant wound over your chest - exactly how I feel every day.  People always say it's good to stay busy.  Well, I've been busy walking dogs & feeding cats, & helping some of the dogs' owners too, with personal problems, because it makes me feel good to help, but as soon as I'm home, I cry even more at every memory of my son. 

This was going to be longer, but I ran past the 2000 characters, and don't have time to edit it down right now, as I have to run out to walk a dog (thankfully only 1 today).  I walked my dog this morning and it was very hot, even though it was only 10AM and we walked in the woods to stay in the shade.  

How have you been doing?  I hope you've been able to get together with your sisters for some fun times.  It's good to have friends & family that you can have fun with, even if you're suffering most of the rest of the time.

Love,

Janet

 

At 3:43pm on August 15, 2011, Patti Meadows said…
Thank You JoAnn, I do feel like I am getting better.  It's almost like when I read the messages and encouragements on this site, it sort of gives me "permission" to get ok.  Staying "stuck" in my grief is NOT a good way to honor Matt, and I finally get that.  I feel as if a veil has been lifted from me and I can start to feel again.  Please continue to pray for me, and I will you, and thanks again.  Patti

At 10:11am on August 4, 2011, Janet - Todd's Mom said…

Hi

JoAnn - Your support group at your local hospice is what I would have wished for ours, a continuing group.  As I mentioned, ours was just an 8-week session, but we all became very close.  There were about 9 or 10 of us, a few women whose husbands wouldn't go, two couples (including us), plus a divorced couple whose son had died.  Guess they weren't still technically a "couple", but both were close to their son and felt the same grief in losing him.  We planned on continuing our group in another location, but that never happened.  We have met two of the women at Compassionate Friends' meetings, and we're still close to them.  But I think my husband needs to meet more bereaved fathers, like he did in our original group.  John and I talk about Todd in the way that your husband did when he mentioned cutting the wrong end and laughing when he told you about swearing Tyler to secrecy.  That's a wonderful breakthrough!  I'm so happy for you, because I know it helps my husband and me.  Our daughter too.  The memories bring tears to my eyes, but at the same time, talking about Todd and his life keeps him alive in spirit.  He is our son.  He will always be our son.  We will always be a family of four.  When my husband wrote that on his FaceBook page, Todd's friends "liked" that and let us know they will love him and keep him in their hearts forever.  Sometimes I cry, silently, riding next to my husband in the car and wonder if he knows.  I turn my head away and pretend to be "resting my eyes".  At this point, I don't want to upset him any more than he is. 

I envy your friend too!  Every day I wish for something to just "happen" to me, and end this unbearable pain.  So much pain should have killed me by now, because I'm not a strong person, even if others say that I am just because I still go on with my life, one sad painful day after another.  Hope you are having a peaceful day. I will try to have one too.

Hugs,

Janet 

 

At 10:11am on August 4, 2011, Janet - Todd's Mom said…

Hi

JoAnn - Your support group at your local hospice is what I would have wished for ours, a continuing group.  As I mentioned, ours was just an 8-week session, but we all became very close.  There were about 9 or 10 of us, a few women whose husbands wouldn't go, two couples (including us), plus a divorced couple whose son had died.  Guess they weren't still technically a "couple", but both were close to their son and felt the same grief in losing him.  We planned on continuing our group in another location, but that never happened.  We have met two of the women at Compassionate Friends' meetings, and we're still close to them.  But I think my husband needs to meet more bereaved fathers, like he did in our original group.  John and I talk about Todd in the way that your husband did when he mentioned cutting the wrong end and laughing when he told you about swearing Tyler to secrecy.  That's a wonderful breakthrough!  I'm so happy for you, because I know it helps my husband and me.  Our daughter too.  The memories bring tears to my eyes, but at the same time, talking about Todd and his life keeps him alive in spirit.  He is our son.  He will always be our son.  We will always be a family of four.  When my husband wrote that on his FaceBook page, Todd's friends "liked" that and let us know they will love him and keep him in their hearts forever.  Sometimes I cry, silently, riding next to my husband in the car and wonder if he knows.  I turn my head away and pretend to be "resting my eyes".  At this point, I don't want to upset him any more than he is. 

I envy your friend too!  Every day I wish for something to just "happen" to me, and end this unbearable pain.  So much pain should have killed me by now, because I'm not a strong person, even if others say that I am just because I still go on with my life, one sad painful day after another.  Hope you are having a peaceful day. I will try to have one too.

Hugs,

Janet 

 

At 1:09pm on July 30, 2011, Janet - Todd's Mom said…

Hi JoAnn - Lately I've been feeling so sad & depressed that I don't know what to do.  You mention your therapist & your support group, neither of which I have right now, except for the support group here on this website, which does help a lot.  My husband & I went to a support group for parents who had lost adult children in Aug/Sept 2009, that was held at a local hospice center.  But it was only an 8-week session.  We also had a grief counselor from the same hospice center, who was wonderful because she had so many of Todd's interests.  She's a cat person who loves wolves (which she thought we wouldn't understand), but she didn't realize that Todd, John & I also love cats & wolves.  Our whole family loves dogs too, actually all  animals.  She was into science fiction and read many of the same books that Todd and my husband John have read, going way back to Isaac Asimov in the 60's.  It turned out that she was watching the movie "2001 A Space Odyssey" on New Year's Eve of '09 with friends.  WE TOO had watched that movie with some of Todd's closest friends on that same night!  That was wild!  But, after a year, our time with her was up because of the fact that she works for the hospice and so many people are on a waiting list to see her.  She gave us referrals to other grief therapists, but I never followed up. You mentioned that you had a couple whose daughter and granddaughter were killed on June 8, 2009, the same day we lost Todd.  What a horrible horrible day.  Did you start the group?  If so, I think that's wonderful.  My husband is always looking for a support group like the one he found in 2009. 

They say "something else come along to fill the void" ... unbelievable!  Each day brings new pain, some new memory of something funny and/or thoughtful that Todd said and fresh sobbing begins.  If others are around, I've learned to cry silently.  It truly is a comfort to know someone who completely understands.  Love, Janet

 

At 3:52pm on July 14, 2011, Janet - Todd's Mom said…

Hi JoAnn - I can't believe how much of what you write is exactly what I'm feeling.  The feeling that my life will go on one minute and the next having a vivid memory of something Todd did or said & feeling like I can't live another minute knowing I'll never hear his voice again, or see him going off to work and& marveling at how much younger he looked than other young men his age.  The clever, funny things he said so quickly that, if you didn't listen carefully, you might miss, but if you heard it, you couldn't help laugh out loud.  Last night my husband said it felt as though losing Todd made a mockery of his life (my husband's life).  I feel the same way about my life & our marriage.  We had a nice, little family, not perfect (a reference to our daughter's huge weight problem & her unhappiness over her constant failure to lose weight, and her bipolar type personality, not as yet diagnosed, but that's what it feels like when she rants about how her unhappiness is all our fault, then apologizes and says how happy she is).  When Todd was younger he had his troubles trying to "fit in" in a time when no one had ever heard of Asperger's Syndrome.  Even at that, his symptoms were so slight that he wasn't diagnosed until he was 28.  By that time he had found wonderful friends among the "proud geeks & nerds" he met at UMass Boston, & enjoyed being "eccentric", as he put it.  All I know is that he was much smarter than me and a complete delight to have around.  He was finally getting everything he deserved, a good job that he loved, wonderful friends and a contentment with his life that I never knew, but was contagious, so I felt happier.  What now?

Love,

Janet

At 11:14am on July 6, 2011, Janet - Todd's Mom said…

JoAnn - How have you been?  I think about you and Tyler every day and wonder how you're coping.  Because I feel so bad most of the time, and cry often every day, I haven't written since I couldn't think of anything positive to say.  Recently I was shopping with my daughter and decided to go to a different store to shop for myself.  Instead, when I walked past Brookstone (a store similar to The Sharper Image stores that used to be around), I had a vivid memory of Todd saying excitedly to me, "Mom, I have to show you something (in Brookstone).  I think it was the little round vacuum cleaner that's like a little robot and vacuums by itself.  He loved it.  So did I.  He said, "That's so cool" as he did about many new things, and eventually he bought one for the house.  It was cute because when it got to the stairs or a wall, it would turn away and vacuum in a different direction.  Anyway, suddenly I felt strange, as though it just hit me that it isn't a nightmare, he really did die (can't write those words without crying).  I really won't see Todd again or have this experience of the two of us getting excited about some new gadget, like we so often did.  I started crying but managed to not let anyone notice, although inside I was having a panic attack and screaming, "OMG...NO NO NO IT CAN'T BE TRUE" and felt as though I was going to faint.  I found the comfortable chairs in the middle of the mall and sat down.  To make myself not cry/sob loudly, I called my husband, who thankfully was home, and told him what had happened.  He felt so bad, so I changed the subject and talked about how much money our daughter was spending on shoes, explaining that it's necessary as she's now working in a hospital and on her feet much of the day.   I haven't been the same since that day.

Has your therapist given you any ideas as to how to make your life feel meaningful again?  I'm just searching for answers.

Love,

Janet

At 7:17am on June 14, 2011, Janet - Todd's Mom said…

Hi J

JoAnn - It's been a very rough couple of weeks with so much going on.  They say, "keep busy" but I wish sometimes that I could stay home alone & go through all of Todd's pictures & feel his presence here in this house, where he lived since he was 8 yrs. old.  I know all I would do is cry, but what I want to do is organize every photo I have of him and write down all of my memories of him....just my own way of keeping him here with me.  We went to his friend's wedding because I feel such love from them, and they're our closest connection to Todd, because, as he grew older, he probably saw them more than us.  They seem to feel the same way about us.  Todd was God father to his best friend Eric's two little boys, now ages 2 & 4.  The 4-yr. old recently pointed to a picture of himself, sitting on Todd's lap at age 1, and said to his mother, "that's me and Uncle Todd".  It made my heart feel good that he remembers Todd.  When Todd was alive I never knew, as Todd didn't share what he called "details details", but Eric told me that his little boy loved Todd very much and Todd loved him.  Todd talked to him about computers as if he was an adult, and they credit their child's excellent vocabulary to him.  I know you don't go on Facebook anymore, but if you go to my page, I believe you can see my pictures.  The little boys have striking red hair, like their mother.  They're adorable, of course, and the closest thing we'll ever have to grandchildren.  Later today John & I are babysitting for them, so they're parents can go to a newly released movie.

People grieve so differently.  For me, seeing Todd's friends' messages to him on FB feeds into my denial that he's really gone.  This may or may not be a good thing, but it's the only way I can get through each day.  If my husband, daughter & Todd's friends weren't in the picture, I seriously doubt that I'd still be here.  It's just too horribly painful.

Hugs,

Janet</</body>

At 11:59am on June 7, 2011, Tim's Mom, Vickie said…
P.S. I know it sounds very cliche', but my father gave me the best advice of anyone.  Take one day at a time, don't try to focus on what the future holds, just focus on the here and now and try to make it through each day as it comes.  I truly know how hard it is, and how impossible that sounds, but it does work. I try not to plan anything, I usually stress out before the plan comes to fruition and wind up changing plans at the last minute.  So, I just take things as they come. If people are offended by it, (friends, family) I don't stress about that either, they need to accept the new me, because I am not the same person they knew before 4/5/2009 and I never will be that person again.  *hugs*
At 11:33am on June 7, 2011, Tim's Mom, Vickie said…

Hi Joyce,

  I do understand the feeling when it would just be easier to end it all.  It's the only thing that comes to mind in ending this vicious, volatile, raw pain.  We're not taught how to deal with it, we could never prepare for it, but it's here, in our face and it doesn't go away.  That's why friends and well wishers really can't comprehend.  They say what they all think are the right words, but it's just a way of being polite. Who ever would've thought there would be right or wrong etiquette in something like this?  I can't say I've given it much thought, other than I'm tired of people whispering when I enter a room, I'm tired of the stares and in some instances, the glaring hatred. I suppose, realistically, it's better that they are all ignorant to our pain.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone.  I just wish there were some way to make them understand. This burden I carry is so overwhelming, tiresome, painful, gutwrenching, all at the same time.

  I'm thankful for having found you and a couple others here, I'm not sure what I would do if I had to continue to hide my feelings. Thank you for giving me your shoulder.

*hugs*

Vickie

At 11:33am on June 7, 2011, Tim's Mom, Vickie said…

Hi Joyce,

  I do understand the feeling when it would just be easier to end it all.  It's the only thing that comes to mind in ending this vicious, volatile, raw pain.  We're not taught how to deal with it, we could never prepare for it, but it's here, in our face and it doesn't go away.  That's why friends and well wishers really can't comprehend.  They say what they all think are the right words, but it's just a way of being polite. Who ever would've thought there would be right or wrong etiquette in something like this?  I can't say I've given it much thought, other than I'm tired of people whispering when I enter a room, I'm tired of the stares and in some instances, the glaring hatred. I suppose, realistically, it's better that they are all ignorant to our pain.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone.  I just wish there were some way to make them understand. This burden I carry is so overwhelming, tiresome, painful, gutwrenching, all at the same time.

  I'm thankful for having found you and a couple others here, I'm not sure what I would do if I had to continue to hide my feelings. Thank you for giving me your shoulder.

*hugs*

Vickie

At 10:09am on June 7, 2011, Janet - Todd's Mom said…

JoAnn - Just wanted to add that my emotions are all over the map, as you can see below, and I ran past 2000 characters, as usual.  I am still in shock over Tania's passing so suddenly at such a young age, 37.  Like you, I will forever wonder why the best people who make the world a better place for so many, have to die so young, instead of the bad people who destroy lives. 

It's a beautiful day and I hope you are feeling better. 

Love,

Janet

At 10:02am on June 7, 2011, Janet - Todd's Mom said…

Hi JoAnn - I know how you felt when you received the youtube video of the 2 dogs in a restaurant & cried knowing how much Tyler would enjoy it.  Last Friday, 6/3, one of Todd's closest friends was married-Todd would have been in the wedding.  It was a beautiful ceremony, with a Renaissance theme. Todd would have LOVED it.  We were there at a table with his friends & it was good to hear them talking about Todd, laughing about good times they shared.  Other people are afraid to mention his name.  The next day when I saw a  picture of the groomsmen on Facebook, it made me cry because Todd wasn't in the picture.  He had been in 3 of his friends' weddings, but he wasn't in this picture.  Just another shock to make me realize he's not here any more.  I don't want to believe that.  I get through many days by telling myself it's all been some mistake, a horrible nightmare.  Of course I know that isn't true.

Todd's anniversary date is tomorrow & we're gathering some pictures & a few of his favorite things to bring to the cemetery.  Some of his friends want to come & be there with us-it's so helpful to know they will never forget him.  On May 29th all I could think about was how Todd went to that horrible doctor for help, only to be rudely dismissed by her.  That weekend he was very sick and had a high fever. I keep thinking, "Why didn't I just put him in the car & bring him to the emergency room?".  He would have gone if I told him he had to go for me.  Up until that weekend I had been the best mother to him, but I failed him when it really counted...I thought he was very sick but would see the doctor on Monday, which he did.  I didn't know that he was dying....The doctors said it wouldn't have mattered, but I think they just say that to make a mother feel like it wasn't her fault.  They said he was probably sick for a long time without symptoms.  I ask, why didn't the doctors see that?

Hugs,

Janet

 

At 7:44pm on June 6, 2011, Tim's Mom, Vickie said…

JoAnn,

  I know exactly what you mean about people's perception of how we handle our grief. We wear a face for them, but it doesn't show the hurt in our hearts.  With me, there's a silent rage that just boils to the point of total melt downs.  Sometimes I can see it coming, most times I can't.  When I do, I'm accused of being dramatic.  For the most part, I don't care what they all think, they can't understand our pain. There are no words to describe it. 

  I also know what you mean when you say you want to end it all.  I still have those days where the hurt is more than my mind can handle.  But it's been a little over 2 years and I can't say I've stopped hurting, I just hide it a lot better than I used to. I hope you don't try to end it, we need you here, I need you here. You have a friend for life just a few hours away, and even with the distance between us, I can feel your pain. 

  Some days I'm angry with God and question his realness.  How could someone that we worship and look up to put us through all of this?  I can't make sense of it.  So, for now, God and I are not on good terms.   I just hope that if there is a Heaven, that Tim is there, at peace and happy. 

  I can't end things to be with him, I'm still fighting to make his death right, to make the people that gave him the drugs pay for what they did. I won't rest, or have closure until they are in jail.  I owe that to Tim.

  Anytime you feel overwhelmed, call me.  I'm available after 6 PM during the week and anytime over the weekend.  I know we don't schedule our breakdowns, but I'm not sure work would be very understanding.  I'll email you my cellphone number.

All my best, thinking of you.

*hugs*

Vickie

At 10:46am on June 5, 2011, Tim's Mom, Vickie said…

Hi JoAnn,

  I apologize for not answering sooner, I took a break from this site for a few days, sometimes I just get overwhelmed by the sadness.  I usually wind up back here on Sundays because that's the day I lost Tim. 

  Tim also played bass guitar, and he was good.  I always wanted my boys to find their "shine" so to speak and Tim certainly found his. We argued a lot over it though, he put so much effort into that and not looking for a real paying job.  I know in his heart he wanted the band to pan out and become something big, all I can say is he was a dreamer and I admire him for being that. 

  It seems we argued a lot, he was stubborn and I wouldn't give up. I always told him his friends would hurt him, that the family would always be there, even when his friends moved on, turned their backs or hurt him.  And many people did hurt him.

  Tim had a sleep disorder, he could fall asleep anyplace, anytime.  I nagged him incessantly to see a doctor, I even made appointments for him that he didn't keep. But during these sleeping bouts, his friends would burn him with lighters and cigarettes. (Ya, nice bunch of people) I had given Tim money for a down payment on a car, and he told his friends that he was going car shopping and that he had a down payment, he was looking for tips on good places to check out. His best friend beat him up, knocked him unconcious and took the money.  His friend went so far as to tell Tim that I made him do it to get the money back.

  The only thing that I am thankful for is that no one can ever hurt him again.

At 2:59pm on May 27, 2011, Janet - Todd's Mom said…

Hi JoAnn, 

I'm really glad that our sons' names will travel together.  When Todd was little, he told my husband that, when he could travel in space, he wanted my husband to go with him, because he'd be afraid all by himself.  My husband said, "I'll be a very old man by then, and you'll be a grown-up & probably won't need me to go with you by then time".  Todd said, "That's okay Dad, I'll hold your hand".  When my husband told our grief therapist this, I thought he would cry, his grief was so strong.  Usually he doesn't show his grief.  He likes remembering the fun times.  For the longest time, I would get cranky with him because I thought he wasn't as affected as me about losing Todd.  When he came home from the hospital, I was angry with him over something and he said to me, "I don't pray often but, when Todd was lying in a coma at the hospital, I prayed that I could trade places with him because I knew you'd make it if you lost me, but I didn't think you'd make it if you lost Todd".  THAT really showed me how much he was grieving.  Since then, I try not to be upset with him over little things, especially since he had the subdural hematoma.  While I was waiting for his operation to be over, I remembered how I have always thought I couldn't live without him, but after losing Todd, I now know that losing a child is even worse than losing a husband, and I don't say that lightly.

People tell me I'm strong, but I feel like two different people.  The one who looks like she's going on with her life, albeit sadly, and the one whose soul screams silently "BRING BACK TODD NOW!" and cries in the car, in the grocery store, walking my dog alone, every time I think about him.

I'm afraid this wasn't uplifting but I'll try harder next time.

Love,

Janet

 




At 11:04am on May 22, 2011, Carrie L said…
Hi Jo Ann just thinking about you will write you. hope you are ok. carrie
At 11:21am on May 17, 2011, Janet - Todd's Mom said…

Hi JoAnn - We did have the same relationships with our sons, one based on friendship, as you said.  I've been so sad lately too, just crying any time I'm alone, or sobbing silently if my husband is nearby.  We visited his brother & wife the other night & I was trying to explain to my sister-in-law why it's really difficult for me to go to a big, MacDonald family party coming up in late June.  I said ,"Everyone's whole family will be there, and mine won't be, and began crying before I could finish the sentence.  She hugged me, kept saying she didn't know what to do or say to make it better (she knows there isn't anything), & was just so afraid of saying the wrong thing.  I tried telling her that talking about Todd is always a good thing for me, but she gets emotional when thinking of him not being here anymore, & is so afraid that talking about him is making it worse.  That's the only time I actually broke down in front of her, probably because she's always telling me how "strong" I am, insisting I am even when I tell her I'm not.  I told her I cry morning, noon & night, whenever no one is around.  Of course the pain is unfathomable to her.  My husband enjoys getting together with his brother, so we go.  I could easily be a hermit.

Since my husband's health problem, I haven't been walking my dogs, because friends offered to help, but now I'm beginning to think it isn't good for me.  I could have gone back this week, but with all of the rain, I let things remain the same.

Thank you for the prayers for my husband's health and for being here for me.  Your friendship means a lot to me.  I wouldn't make it through this without friends like you.  Sometimes I'm in such pain I think I won't make it anyway.   

I was happy to hear that Dennis loved the idea of the Mars sign up.  It gives me comfort to know that their names will travel to Mars together.

Love,  Janet

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