Guilt is part of grieving. Over time you will have thoughts that will come to you where you question yourself. I had them with my husband, I should have made him go to the doctors, I should have made him stick to his diet, I should have made him stop smoking. With my Mom, I've have the What if I'd I've had her come stay with me, maybe I should have pushed for more tests that could have done more to help her................but with time you do realize that their passing was all part of God's plan! Each of us is ultimately responsible for ourselves. I couldn't change my husband, he had to at the end of the day make his own choices for how he took care of himself. Now looking back, he lived his life the way he wanted too. My mom the same. You say, you always called Jen when something was bothering you..........well you can still talk to her, She'll be listening.......She may not be able to answer you as she used to,,,,,but I truly believe that God surrounds us with the ones we love and who have gone on before us. They are our Guardian Angels. Each day will get better Kristin. Always remind yourself that you aren't alone...... Delete Comment
It's strange. Somedays I think that I'm going to be ok & others I'm wondering how I'm continuing to exist. Since losing my friend I have even blamed myself thinking that maybe if I had been a better friend to her then she would still be here. Sometimes when I cry instead of feeling better I'll feel worse. Since this girl & I were both in our 30s I really thought that we would be friends for another 30 or 40 years before this happened. In some strange way I feel like I'm being punished. Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve this pain. Am I selfish for still wanting her back? Whenever something was bothering me Jen was ALWAYS the FIRST one that I would call. I miss telling her stories about my nephew, hearing her voice, her laugh, & us making smart remarks to each other about something stupid the other one did. Sometimes I think that I sound like a pathetic little girl.
It's only been 3 months. With my husband I think I cried for 9 months, a song, a commercial, a memory, anything would set me off. I would be driving in the car, at work, it didn't matter. Crying is a release........there is nothing wrong with it, and 3 months is not any length of time at all. My Mom has been gone 2 and 1/2 years now, and my sisters and I all still have moments where we cry because something reminds us how much we miss her. That is love, we are blessed to have the capacity to love someone, but with that love comes great pain when we loose them. Allow yourself the privilege to grieve, to miss her. She will always be in your heart. You were friends for 21 years, that connection and the pain of loss doesn't just go away. I assume you keep busy, work? As long as you go on with routine things you're going to be ok, you will fill detached like you aren't even a part of life. You feel like you are just existing. But you keep on going and you keep on living and little by little, you do come back to life. But it's not going to come quickly. Hugs for you Kristin.
Why do you think I feel this way? Did you ever feel the way that I have been? How did you move on? Eventhough Jen & I did have some of the same friends the ONLY reason they were friends is because I introduced them. None of them knew her as long as I did & I really don't think that I can talk to them about how I'm feeling. The guy that she was going out with keeps trying to make his feelings MORE IMPORTANT then mine. That is really annoying me since this month this girl & I would have been friends for 21 years. Life feels so meaningless now....with the exception of my 2 year old nephew.
I lost my husband in 1998, My father in 2000, and my mother in 2007. There is NO rule as to how long you should cry for someone. There is nothing wrong with you because you cry. You lost someone special to you. It hurts. There isn't a night that I don't want to pick up the phone and call my mother and tell her how my day was. And then reality slaps you in the face. It's ok to smile, to laugh you aren't denying your friend. God had a plan. It isn't ours to question.
Remember that we are all where we are in life for a reason. Somethings we learn from, some times we are helping someone, sometimes we are the ones that need to be comforted. Did you have any mutual friends? Maybe you could all get together and share special stories about your friend....everyone remembers something different about the same person. It helps to learn how other people remember the same friend. You can all share and smile when you remember happy times.
I am now at the point where I feel like I shouldn't be crying anymore. I figured that I'm NOT ALLOWED to cry over her anymore. When I do cry I get mad at myself. When I am able to smile & laugh it doesn't mean anything to me. I'm afraid to be happy. Eventhough she MIGHT want me to be happy I'm afraid that if I'm happy that will be like I DON'T care about her death & that I'm going to risk forgetting her. I went into a shut down mode at the beginning where I barely spoke........I'm beginning to think that it would be BEST IF I went into another shut down mode. I know that I sound childish. I MIGHT even sound selfish by wanting her back.
I am going to a bereavement support group on Tuesday. It scares me. I am so afraid that I won't be able to handle it, that I will freak out. But, I think I need to be there. I would love to have someone go with me to hold my hand because I feel I will need it. It is a scary thing. I am afraid.
I read your message to Sharon and it made me cry. I am so sad that I don't know how I will make it through the day. I had a horrible night trying to sleep. I must have slept 2 to 3 hours only. I am very antsy right now and have taken a pill to help calm me some. I am already freaking out about this coming Thursday. His birthday as well as the two month anniversary of his death. Chatting with Sharon has made feel that I am not alone, that there are others who are there like me, in this place we don't want to be, and not knowing how to deal with it. It is not a very "safe" place to be mentally.
Hi Graceann nice to meet you, thanks for the ear.. I know it has only been 4 months for me but it feels like only yesterday, some days are good and some not so hot, today is inbetween i think. I do cry alot but I guess that is normal. I try to keep myself busy but then I sit and seems like I fade off somewhere. I will look forward to your blog, just learning the computer so it may take me awhile oh well I do have plenty of time on my hands these days