Carolyn Smith's Comments

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At 2:46pm on January 25, 2011, Carrie L said…
Hi carolyn My son had issues with me. From what I understand he had issues with everyone. I saw him last at christmas time for a one day ski trip. I ignored him. I did not get into a fight with him. But perhaps I had my one and only opportunity to talk to him about death. and i did not I never talked to him about death. never thought it would come to tuition. But It did. I needed more time. I don't have it. Carrie L
At 2:46pm on January 25, 2011, Carrie L said…
Hi carolyn My son had issues with me. From what I understand he had issues with everyone. I saw him last at christmas time for a one day ski trip. I ignored him. I did not get into a fight with him. But perhaps I had my one and only opportunity to talk to him about death. and i did not I never talked to him about death. never thought it would come to tuition. But It did. I needed more time. I don't have it. Carrie L
At 2:32pm on January 25, 2011, Carrie L said…
Hi carolyn just thought I would say hi. My son was a year younger than yours and yes it too was the best day of my life and his death was the worst day of his life I am not coping that well. have so many regrets and I loved him so. you know what I mean. like the photo with the tux morgan dressed up real well also. I miss his humor and personality and love. love to you Carrie L
At 3:42pm on December 31, 2010, Phil's Mamama said…

I am so sorry about the loss of your precious son. I understand and it hurts so badly.  It will be two years for us on Jan 16.  I cannot believe all the Christmases I have to endure without him.  Please know I am thinking of you.

 

Philips Mamma

Greensboro NC

Diane Dillon

At 1:20pm on December 19, 2010, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Hi Carolyn - I replied to your email with a long, long one of my own on Friday night, right about the time you were asking me if i had gotten your email!

At 10:05am on December 10, 2010, JoAnn Brozowski said…

Dear Carolyn - I read your post on Legacy, and it gave me chills.  I lost my beautiful son, Tyler, at age 24 on January 26th of this year.  He was also my only child.  He too suffered from depression off and on, and was finally trying to stick to the meds and therapy.  But he had started drinking when he wouldn't take the meds to help him through the dark spots.  He finally gave up drinking on January 1st of this year because his girlfriend begged him to.  Unfortunately, as I am learning now, his addiction required him to go elsewhere for a high.  He didn't hang out with people who did drugs, so he tried huffing computer duster because it was legal to purchase, readily available, and apparently gave you an incredible high.  This began on Jan 7th.  We got him into outpatient therapy immediately, but on Jan 26th I found him dead in the bathroom in work (we worked in the same office) with a can of duster next to him.  I feel exactly as you do.  I gave all of myself to my son for 24 years, probably too much, and now there is no reason for my life.  My husband, too, has been wonderful, but he cannot bring Tyler back.   And that is all I really want.  What purpose could there be in remaining on this earth for years and years when my reason for being is gone?  I would love to hear back from you.  You are just a few months ahead of me on this trail of tears.  And one of the few I have found who have lost an only child.  My email address is jbjoey@aol.com if you wish to contact me directly.  I will keep you both in my prayers.

JoAnn

Always Tyler's Mom

At 1:33pm on December 6, 2010, Lee Brunson said…
I lost my 26 year old son, Ryan last December 2, so my pain is still raw like yours. My daughter wanted to decorate this year, I didn't, but I gave in for her three year old who doesn't understand all of this - why her Unkie Ryan isn't here. I have a crystal tea light holder in the shape of a cross that I light every night. It sits in front of his picture. It's all I can do to hold on to him.
At 10:43am on December 6, 2010, Kathie G. said…
Bless you my dear. I pray that we will somehow find meaning out of these tragedies, and am still searching for whatever it is that will help lessen the pain. Take care of yourself, your health and those who love you, it is all we have left.
At 9:33pm on December 5, 2010, Kathie G. said…
Hi Carolyn, I too lost my son (he was 23) on October 15, but the year was 2008. He was struck by a car while crossing the highway. I was not there, but I understand he was drinking quite a bit. He too was the joy of my life and for whatever reasons he struggled with marajuana and alcohol use. He was always a sweet and gentle soul (and handsome like your Max), and like you, my life is forever changed. I always feared his actions would catch up with him before he matured, then my nightmares were realized. Now I go through the motions and am able to work and live day to day, but there will forever be a veil over everything, especially the holidays. I have one other child, a daughter who is in college, and she has suffered from losing her brother as well. I am divorced so am truly alone now for the first time, which gives me more time to think about my son. In some ways it seems a long time and in others only yesterday. My heart truly goes out to you and I only hope we can find some peace and joy over the holidays and as time goes on. Just curious, was you son born in 1985 and if so, what was his birthday? Geoff's was August 20th. Kathie
At 7:26pm on December 5, 2010, Terri Kuta said…
Carolyn this will be my first christmas without my son he was killed in a head on collision on november 19th i can't even think about putting up a tree or anything else i have 3 older children and they are all on their own so im just going over to our oldest daughters house, we went to the mall today and i just couldn't do it i lost my father in august and had a clock with engraving on the song and his name that each of my children picked out for his funeral but what do i do with my sons clock he never saw this was to be a christmas present to all his grandchildren one last time. I understand whre you are coming from with the christmas how can we celebrate with such sadness in our ives
At 3:48pm on February 18, 2010, Jenny Ruselowski said…
I totally understand where you are coming from. my son died on dec 19, 2009. We do not know yet if it was from drugs or his kidney disease. My hope is his kidneys but I believe it was drugs. I knew he smoked weed and cigerattes but i knew nothing about the morphine. i found marjuana seeds in his room the monday before he passed and grounded him. we had a big fight that day. he refused to take the drug test. he skipped school almost every day that week. on friday i got a call from the school they said he was skipping again so he was suspended indefently. this was the last day of school before christmas vacation. he went to sleep when he got home. later after dinner (he did not eat) he was still sleeping i went in his room to talk to him about the trouble he had gotten in at school and that was the last time i talked to him. I let him sleep and the next moring his older brother found him in his room already passed on. they did an autopsy but we still do not have the results. they wont even tell me when he passed.

I also understand not wanting to take the tree down. the only reason i did is becuase my house is small and not much room plus the animals kept messing things up. My son helped me put up the tree every year and all the decorations. He was 17 and passed 6 days before christmas. Christmas was very hard. but i did it becuase of the other kids. I did not want them to miss out on it. it is bad enough they lost a brother. I wish every minute that i was with John.

john was not my only child but we spent a lot of time together becuase of his health issues. I always had to pick him up from school because he was sick or take him to the doctors. He also spent a lot of time in the hospital but he did not say anything about being sick when he passed. I had no clue what he was doing as far as pills go. I knew about the weed and was trying to get him to stop in many different ways. his girlfriend called me on christmas eve and told me about the pills and weed he took that day. she also said that he told her he was not feeling good, had a headache, and his feet and hands were numb and tingly. I asked her why she did not get him help she says she did but i dont beleive her. if i knew how he was feeling i would have taken him to the er right away. i would not have let him go to sleep.

it has now been two months since i heard my sons voice. i miss him sooooo much i cant stop crying today. i go to therapy and i take my youngest to group therapy this does help sometimes but today is really really hard.
At 6:09pm on January 22, 2010, Kathy Mook said…
Hi Carolyn, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can so relate. I have 4 sons and a daughter, two of my sons, deposits in heaven. I lost my infant son, Noah to SIDS 28 yrs ago and my oldest son, Jon on June 29,09. I have been down the BiPolar path and it is hell! Jon went through bouts of depression and anger, went to the hospital 3 or 4 times in his last 3yrs. because he was suicidal and wanted help. He was finally diagnosed BiPolar and was just getting well adjusted to his meds. and starting to act like my old Jon. He had Cerebral Palsy from complications I had as he was being born. CP didn't stop him from loving life until BP started attacking him. He died from choking on food. He had to be fed by someone else and went out to lunch with someone. We were told that his heart was stopped for 9 minutes and that he was brain-dead. I had to let him go. It only took 4 minutes without oxygen to cause his motor problems and I couldn't subject him to even more brain damage. My 2nd son, David also has BP and he lives with us. (Actually, all of my adult children, plus my granddaughter live with us.) When David is not medicated, he is very difficult to be around. He has other mental illness factors too and it is very hard. Right now he isn't medicated because he worked a few times at his Dad's nursery and ACCESS dropped him. He's really in a catch 22 because every time he works at all, he loses his meds and then the job. I'm so sorry for anyone that has lost a child to this monster or has to live with someone with it while they are grieving the loss of another child. You are in my prayers. Hugs of Hope, Kathy
At 10:32am on January 22, 2010, Carolyn Smith said…
My son Max was my only child. He passed on October 14, 2009. For the past 24 years I have lived my life for him. That is how I wanted it. Now I'm trying to find other activitiesbut its hard sometimes even to move. There are days in which I feel ok, some which I feel bad and other days that make me think if this is what the rest of my life is going to be I don't know if I can take it. Luckily I do have a very wonderful, supportive husband, but I want my precious Maxie back. I know he was depressed and we had sent him to get help but he wouldn't take the medication they gave him for his newly diagnosed bipolar illness. Max didn't live with us but the day he died he came up to visit. We got into argument and threw a lot of old stuff in my face. I said that was the past and there was nothing I could do about that. I then went up to him and said maybe we could start over again. After I said that he very calmly took the keys to his car and left. He went to a friends house and started drinking and taking pills on top of it. Well the end of the story is pretty clear. On the death certificate it said accidental overdose but I have a feeling that he just gave up on life. I feel so guilty. Of course there is a lot more to fill in between the lines but this is all I could get out now.

Carolyn Smith
At 8:11pm on December 30, 2009, Janie said…
Hi Carolyn,
I'm sorry for your loss. As you know this group of people that write did not ask to be here. However it is the best way to communicate with those that know exactly what you are feeling. It will be 2 yrs. Jan. 9th that I lost my son Rich. These next 2 weeks will be so hard for me trying not to think back of the last
2 weeks of his life. He suffered so. I try not to remember but I'll never forget. God has been my answer in getting me to where I am now. I'm trying
mind you said trying to focus on the present and be
thankful that Rich is in heaven with God and not on this earth we live in. Please write back. I'd like to
get to know more about you and your son. My e-mail
is whelanhottie@aol.com, in subject put "legacy" so
I know its not junk. I'm kind of depressed now but
working on staying focused on the present and what
I now have to be thankful for. My prayers are with
you, Janie from Wisconsin
At 2:33pm on December 30, 2009, Carolyn Smith said…
My beautiful 24 year old only child died on October 15, 2009. The cause of death is listed as accidental overdose. I'm devastated at the loss and sometimes I don't know if I'm going to make it or if I even want to.

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