It sounds that you and I have the same grieving spirit. As you, I am no longer the person that I was. I just finished reading a book called "The Worst Loss", author: Kubler-Ross. I don't read much but this book it written in a manner that did not overwhelm me with sadness and telling me the "stages" of what to expect in greif, etc.. It centers on several different families who have lost the children at different ages and in very diffierent circumstances. They are not stories of their experiences but their emotions and how they have changed their lives. If you get a chance I would suggest you read it also. It may be time for me to read it again. I kept your email address and will write to you soon. Mine is email@example.com. I haven't prayed to God either, but everyone keeps tellimg me he is patient. Hope so - I don't feel like talking to him yet. I hope that he is saddened for our loss also.
Love to you,
Laura, i sent you a long message, but something went wrong i never had this happen to me on this site...anyway, thank you for responding...i read your story to celtic women, and it really touched my heart.. i love their music. i am angry most of the time, and just want the pain to stop, but that is what a broken heart feels like, and we sure have broken, shattered hearts...i am so sorry for what happened to your precious son, and for you to have to endure knowing that the boy that caused it shows no remorse then you have good reason to be angry, enraged is more like it...are you seeing a counselor? i think i need to because i have not asked the Lord for help, i guess i am angry with hi too, maybe that will come in time, i hear he is patient..laura, like you i have begun to not care about anything like i used to it's like what's the point of it...i am not the same person i used to be which was kind, forgiving, more of a giving person, but now i have become kinda mean, and reclusive..i just want my Robby back, and i know that our son's are saving a place for us next to them, i can't wait. again, thank you for your caring words, and i hope we can continue to talk to each other. my e-mail is firstname.lastname@example.org if you want to talk. take care, and thanks for being a friend...
I am so deeply saddened for all that you have lost and everything that you have and are going through. Please tell me more about your son and your life; I care. Thank you for your kindness. It helps to write to other people that have experienced the same or similar circumstances becuase other people just simply do not have any idea of the heart wrenching pain that we have experienced. I ahve learned that whatever I am feeling is okay. Thank you with all my heart for giving your support so unselfishly when you yourself have had to cope with such loss yourself.
Thanks for leaving this comment. I truly appreciate your loss and I grieve for you too. Every time I visit the cemetery I go see the kids that have passed into His love and there are so many of them! Sometimes I think that the section where Michael is buried is the youngster section. Our beloved neighbor is there, too.
I well know that I may not want to know the whole truth but in another fashion I do. I can handle it. After seeing my child buried nothing can be worse than that.
I pray for your healing and I will post a poem if I can get it there that a friend sent to me just after Christmas. Hugs to you,
Laura I cannot type. I get to going too fast and my older fingers won't keep up. I do thank you so much for your support and encouragement. It is what keeps me going.
I have not been able to speak with anyone but the detective and his direct boss. The police chief wil not answer my attorney's or my calls. Next, we are trying to set up a meeting with the city attorney. After that, if he cannot answer my questions I plan to go to the media because I do not believe that a thorough investigation was done. The detective even lied to me in that meeting and said he never told me my son's case was closed, but he did and I have witnesses. They are trying to cover up something and I will one day find out what. I am going to try to attach a photo of my baby.....we will see if thet happens.
Thanks for your support! Hugs to you too!
Laura,What a beautiful child! I am so sorry you have lost your baby. I lost my beautiful 21 year old son on Nov. 29,2009. He was found dead of a gunshot wound to the head with very suspicious circumstances. Police say suicide, yet how is that possible when so many things do not add up? I won't go in to detail but I feel so badly for you and only know that time will not cure us or help us feel any less lost without our kids. Ny prayers are with you,
laura, thank you for information .i will send you literature tomorrow. ii am very glad i had an opportunity to meet and share with you.you can call me any time of the day or night if you ever need to talk. love and blessing.ruby ellard.... ruby
Hello it has been a long time that i have been on the site. But, i want to tell you that i understand and that i am praying for us, i have been in a depression for two weeks now and i know about the sleepless nights and the heart that is empty and void and how when any one comes over i don't want them to touch any of Jared's things i won't even let them go in his room so i understand that and i understand how when you even hear a story that is so close to yours that it's like you are being broken and hurt again. I understand how you are trying to function when all that you want is to hold your baby and not have to live without him. So you have had a week like mine and many others here who are struggling just to breath. I walk here in my house and hold my son's pictures close and cry i have been crying for some time now, and i know how when people hear that you are the woman everyone is talking about that people treat you like you have the plague, i am going through that with some very close friends and people that have known my son. I can't even go to the store without someone saying Hi Jared's mom and then going home without him being there. I have 4 brothers no husband and they are not able to process how we might be feeling they are all trying to be strong when all i want is for them to cry with me, it's a sometimes very lonely place as it is sometimes for all of us, but this is not about all of us it's about you and i know that and i know that some of the questions are why and how are you going to get through one more day without you son's smile without the void being filled, because there is a void there. The only thing i can say is that it's not meant for us to push away how we feel nor to make excuses about how others feel about the lose of you son and the void it has left in your life as well as others some known and some not known, what i can say is that we are in this place of the worst kind and as we go along no matter how long it's going to take or no matter how hard it is going to get, that our son's are looking for us to smile and love life again, to continue to struggle to cry to yell out to run out of a room when it's too painful to be there, and that there will come a time when they will say mom it's time to smile and to laugh, we don't know when that time will come that they will say this to us and we think that we will never hear it from them but we will. It won't tomorrow and it won't be next week and it may not be a year from now but they will say "mom live and don't die, mom smile, and when that happen we will come out better and stronger because it will be them giving us what they know we need and that is life and permission to move forward which will be another Heart Song from God to us. I know this sounds stupid and i know you may say to yourself she does'nt know what she's talking about! but know this i am you and you are me the only difference is that i don't have a husband, but i had a son that was beloved not just by me but by a vast community and who is now gone, who left a hole so big that there is nothing that can fill it, at least not today.From my heart to yours.
I have done this since the beginning, helping her when she called. I stayed w/girls for over 2 months while she was working. (Taking leave from my job to do so because it was more important to me to help.) I love my daughter-in-law very much.
Lauran, the e-mail address i got from you is incorrect, please e-mail it to me, with your zip code and telephone #. I am sending you some news letters from the compassionate friends. love and blessings. P.S. Know that there is a lady thinking of you and Dakota in Longview Texas.!!!
i was just going thru old comments and came across yours, god your relationship with your son and your sons ways remind me of me and my son. we would run around chasing eachother, pull eachothers hair and tell eachother how we could beat eachother up( kidding of course) he was and still is my baby. i have a 4 year old girl, philips sister emily was left behind to miss her brother. he was such a good kid, there is a 10 year age difference between him and his sister and he was her world and her his. the monmouth and ocean county food bank named an award after my son called The Philip N Connelly spirit of giving award, now and forever that will be the name of award because my son had such a big heart and loved to give back. i miss him so much, he use to kid around even to his friends how he was a mammas boy, he would have been 14 this january 18. God Bless you and your family, we are never alone here. my favorite saying - life is not about counting the years its about making the years count.
LAURA, I HOPE TODAY YOU HAVE HAD A LITTLE PEACE..EVERY DAY IS SUCH A CHALLENGE, JUST GETTING OUT OF BED, AND GOING ABOUT DAILY ROUTINES IS A MAJOR CHORE...I AM SO SORRY THAT YOU, AND YOUR HUSBAND HAVE HAD PROBLEMS, I KNOW THAT SOMETIMES WHEN THIS HAPPENS IT PULLS FAMILIES APART WHEN IN FACT IT SHOULD BRING US ALL CLOSER..MEN GRIEVE DIFFERENTLY THAN WE DO, NOT THAT THEY AREN'T SAD OR BROKEN, THEY JUST HOLD IT IN, AND GRIEVE SILENTLY, WHCIH ONLY MAKES IT WORSE.. I HOPE THAT YOU HAVE ALOT OF SUPPORT TO HELP YOU THROUGH THIS LOSS, OF COURSE LEGACY IS A BIG HELP TOO...TODAY I CRIED ALMOST ON AND OFF ALL DAY, AND I THINK I HAVE AGED AT LEAST 10 YRS.. THE HEART PAIN IS JUST SO DEEP THAT SOMETIMES IT HURTS TO BREATHE...I KNOW YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN...I FEEL THAT YOU , AND I WERE SO LUCKY TO HAVE BEEN THE MOTHERS OF SUCH EXTRAORDINARY YOUNG MEN...ROBBY HAD A HEART OF GOLD, AND A GREAT SON...I HAVE A LITTLE STORY I WANT TO SHARE WITH YOU ABOUT HIM. WHEN HE WAS ABOUT 10 YEARS OLD I GAVE HIM SOME MONEY TO BUY HIMSELF SOMETHING AT A DEPARTMENT STORE, AND WHEN HE GOT INTO THE CAR HE HANDED ME A PACKAGE, INSIDE WAS AN ANGEL. HE BOUGHT ME A GIFT INSTEAD OF HIMSELF, I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT WAS MY BOY!!!!!!I WILL ALWAYS TREASURE THAT ANGEL FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE...WELL, I GUESS I HAVE RAMBLED ENOUGH FOR ONE EVENING. JUST REMEMBER YOUR SON LOVES YOU, AND YOU WILL UNITE WITH HIM SOME DAY...TAKE CARE, AND GOD BLESS YOU.TAMMY E
Laura, I am so sorry for your loss of Dakota. I looked at his sweet pictures. What a beautiful young man. I enjoyed the company of my son so much, too. Phil's girlfriend was two years older and in college, so I was lucky to have him to do things with me.
I want you to know that the name Dakota is very special to me. It was the name of one of my favorite students, one of the finest people I have ever known.
Please know we are all so so sorry.
Always Proud Mom of Philip Dillon lean
Laura, My heart aches for you and all of us who come here as we battle to know who we are and what our lives mean after suffering the loss of part of ourselves because that is what are children are; the very heart of us.
My son, Chad, was a mixture of innocence and compassion, athletically gifted, but more so gifted with the ability to accept others for who they are. He said to me "mom, I like 99.5% of the people I meet". That's special. So was he and so he always is.
While none of us know exactly the others' pain, because all of us and our relationships with our children are different, we know THE LOSS is something so hard to accept, bear and to ever understand.
Chad spoke with me at 5pm on a bright, sunny start to Labor Day weekend, Sept. 4th, 2009. This happy 18 year old boy went with his girlfriend to pick up a friend of hers. He never returned. He was dead at the scene in a rollover single car accident. No one knows what happened. His girlfriend survived but we were not able to see our boy for four days until the medical examiners office released him. Those two police officers coming to our door is frozen in time in my mind. I watch my husband and other three children grieve for a very special young man, and yet, I know, he was MY heart.
There is something special about a mom and her kids. I know dads are on here as well, and I don't mean to take away from them; I can only speak as a mom who would give her life for any of her children.
I do find comfort in God and talking to Chad. I do not, however, believe that God "took" Chad and brought such pain to our family. I believe God created a world which wasn't perfect and that sometimes there are no reasons why someone lives to 100 and a beautiful life ends here at 18. I believe that there is eternal life with Jesus and I will see my beloved boy again. You will see your son again too, Laura, I just know it. Lisa
Hello Laura, reading what you went threw had me crying for the both of us. I prayed all the way to the hospital that they had the wrong person. When Bronda died a part of me did too. My life will never be the same as she isn't here with me as your son isn't with you. But one thing I must say my faith in God has gotten stronger. Bronda was a donor and we were so happy that a part of her would help someone else, then that was shot down as they called and asked a bunch of questions. We were exposed to mad cow while stationed in Germany back in 1985 the year I got preg. with her. So they were afraid to use anything. But they wouldn't have any ways as she was in the water for 8 hrs.
My heart goes out to you as Bronda was my husbands only child. I lost 2 after I had her. She was my miricale child. I had cancer before I got preg and they said I wouldn't carry her full term. She was always a fighter and I know deep down in my heart if there was a way she would have gotten out of her car. But I guess in a way that was a blessing to as the currant is very strong and I don't know if she could have made it to shore. I read the book The Shack by William P Young. It's a awesome book and really helped me a lot, thats why my faith in God has gotten stronger.
Bronda came to me in a dream a few weeks ago gave me this big hug as she always did she said I love you mommy and I'm okay. You know I can still feel that hug. I miss her more and more every day. I know the pain you are going threw as we all are who have lost children. I have a relative who seems to think that his and his wifes pain is like mine. Even mine and my husbands isn't the same. Neither is Bronda's brothers. We as mothers have a deeper feeling I think cause we carry them for 9 months and are there if they are sick. Some fathers have to have that role but I think a mothers love goes so much more deeper.
I will keep you in my prayers Laura. It's like peeling a onion one layer at a time.I know our children are still with us not in body but we have something no one can take away is our memories of them. We were blessed to have Bronda for 23 years some people don't get that and I thank God everyday I had her even though she is no longer with us in body.
The last words Bronda and I said to each other were I love you. The only thing I regret is not being able to tell her in person. But one day I and you will get to see our babies again. I always called her baby girl she said mom I'm not a baby. I said I don't care if your a 100 you will always be my baby.
Think of it this way it was getting dark in heaven and God needed more light, thats what my sister said about Bronda as she would light a room up when she walked in it, from what I gather your son he did the same. I will keep you in my prayers and if you need strength from me I have some I will share as I know the pain. I'm crying so hard now can hardly see to even type. But always remember there was a reason for things that happen, sometimes we don't understand them. But the day we are born is also the day we start dying. Some just go sooner than we would like them to like our children.
I will check out the other site you sent me too. Thank you so much. I do know the pain and wish I was there to hold you and comfort you. But know your not on this journey alone as there are others here also. I don't get on here much and write I figure people don't want to hear the same story all the time. But we do share so many things in common even though we are miles apart. I must get to bed as it's almost 5 am. Seems I can't sleep at night anymore. But thats another story. May God keep you safe and I will say a extra prayer for you and your son tonight. My heart is with you also.
Momma died June 7, 2009 from a 2 year battle with cancer.
My son was killed by a wreckless driver. Accident was Dec. 6 @ 12:25 am and he died on Dec. 8, 2009 @ 5:47 am. His 16th birthday was Nov. 30. He was my life.