Dearest Carla:

I am so glad you let me know you received my comment.  I posted it and then inadvertently hit the delete key by accident.  Please know that you are not alone, that there is ALWAYS someone standing in your corner, even when physically, you may be complete strangers, on the soul level we are eternally entwined by the roads we have been forced to walk.  But when you look beside you, behind or in front of you, you will see all of us right there, on that same road.  We may all be at different places on that road, some taking their first heartbreaking steps onto that exclusive road we never asked to walk in the first place, others may be waiting a few miles ahead.  Some may be retracing their steps with a purpose to somehow alleviate others pain, grief or bad day.  Unfortunately, we are all members of a club we never wanted to join.  I am here just in case I can let one soul, just one other soul heal a bit. Never completely, but every little bit matters.  Hope during the few moments it takes to read this message, it gave you peace  of mind...even if it was only for a moment.  Blessings to you

Carla - hope you are doing okay - some days I think, "I'm doing okay today 0 not too bad" - but then a meltdown comes before bedtime...I haven't had a sane day since this occurred - keep reading what people write and pray that someday I will be able to cope - we both know we will never forget, but pray that we can get by...Lulu

Carla - just a short note to let you know I am thinking of you...Lulu

Carla - I am praying for you to have plenty of strength to get through tomorrow - my daughter's birthday was June 23rd - and to be honest, I was a mess all day long - today she has been gone 18 weeks - I am still counting, still crying, still crushed - I don't think others understand - I know that I wouldn't have before this happened to me...I can't see an end to the sorrow or an end to my memories - I feel like I whine when I come to this site - but it is an outlet for things that I can not say to others...I wish the best for you tomorrow..and if nothing else, you will know that I am thinking of you and sharing your pain...Lulu

HI CARLA, I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR "TALKING" TO ME! I WILL NEVER GET OVER THIS, NOR WILL I EVER FORGET HIM. I HAVE A DAUGHTER, FOUR GRANDKIDS, AND 8 GREAT-GRANDS, AND ONE ON THE WAY.I HAVE A WONDERFUL FAMILY, AND HUSBAND (MIKE'S STEP-FATHER). WE HAD TALKED ABOUT DEATH BEFORE, HE ASKED ME TO DO TWO THINGS FOR HIM, THAT I COULDN'T BRING MYSELF TO DO. NUMBER ONE--TALK AT HIS FUNERAL, AND NUMBER TWO "I DON'T WANT MY DAD THERE". MIKE'S DAD (MY EX-HUSBAND) HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM, EVEN AFTER HE GO SO SICK. ON A CELL PHONE CALL FROM MIKE, HE ALWAYS ENDED THE CONVERSATION WITH--"SEE YA, LOVE YA BUD, BYE" I SAID "I AM NOT YOUR BUD, I AM YOUR MOM, HE RESPONED WITH "BUT YOU ARE MY BEST BUD!" WE PUT THAT ON HIS TOMBSTONE, EXCEPT THE BYE. I HAD A FRIEND SING "GONE AWAY WITH A FRIEND" THERE WAS MORE THAN 400 PEOPLE THERE (FUNERAL), EVEN SOME OUTSIDE IN THE COLD. SO WE HAD TO LEAVE OUT SOME THINGS THAT HE WANTED--A SONG THAT WAS TOO LONG. I AM SO GLAD I FOUND THIS WEB SITE, IT SEEMS LIKE SOMETIMES NOBODY UNDERSTANDS, SO IF I START TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT MIKE--I CATCH MYSELF AND JUST KEEP IT BOTTLED UP INSIDE. MY FIRST COUNSELOR -- I DIDN'T LIKE, HE WAS A FORMER COUNSELOR AT A PRISON, HE WOULD TELL ME PRISONER STORIES, FINALLY I DECIDED NO MORE. THEN I FOUND ANOTHER ONE, AND CLOSER, AND SHE IS AWESOME!! I WISH I KNEW WHAT TO SAY TO YOU ALL, EXCEPT I DO KNOW YOUR FEELINGS OF SUCH A GREAT LOSS. THREE WEEKS AFTER MIKE, MY UNCLE,MORE LIKE A BROTHER, HE WAS ONLY SEVEN YEARS OLDER THAN ME, HE LIVED IN ARIZONA, AND WE COULDN'T GO--BUT THERE IS A CHURCH PEW WITH A MEMORIAL PLAQUE ON IT, IN PINETOP, ARIZONA, PUT THERE BY MY SISTER AND MYSELF. WHEN MIKE GOT SICK MY UNCLE WAS MY ROCK TO LEAN ON! I DO BELIEVE THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON--IT IS VERY HARD NOT TO ASK GOD "WHY"?I GREW UP IN A VERY WONDERFUL CHRISTIAN FAMILY, THAT HAS TRULY HELPED ME, EACH DAY I GET A LITTLE BETTER, SIX MONTHS AGO--I COULDN'T WRITE THIS WITHOUT TEARS FLOWING. I STILL CRY, USUALLY WHEN I LEAST EXPECT IT THOUGH, OR AT NIGHT OR THE FIRST THING EACH MORNING. AT FIRST, I PUT ALL OF HIS PICTURES AWAY, THAT DIDN'T TAKE THE PICTURES OUT OF MY HEAD THOUGH, I DON'T KNOW IF IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO OR NOT, SO I PUT THEM UP AGAIN. MIKE IS "GONE AWAY WITH A FRIEND".

Hi Carla. Thanks so much for your comment. I am a suicide survivor, of sorts, myself. I attempted it as a teenager and, just a few years ago, sought refuge in the hospital to keep myself from going that way again. This I know -- suicide is never "a choice." Those who take their own lives are suffering. They see no other way out (for whatever reason). I'm so sorry you had to hear that [those other comments]. The fact is, your child is gone. I've found myself voicing my opinions -- preaching really -- about how suicide prevention recently. There is so much education that can be done; so many misconceptions. My own saving grace, over and over and over again, has been a close and loving family. Also, just the slow recognition that I suffer from a genuine illness, and eventually gave up fighting the fact that I needed medication to help control it....

But, thank you for your response. My friends who lost their son: they had a gathering over the weekend. Most of their family members (from other states, countries) will be heading home soon. So I do plan to send a note next week; maybe give a call. And I'll keep doing that. My only corollary in my own experience echoes what you said in your note: that to say *nothing* is the hardest thing of all. I am gathering a list of resources, like this site, for my friend. If she hasn't found it already, I think this will be a great comfort. much love, Margaret

I just wanted to thank you for your kind words of support. Today's been a hard day--it was the funeral, and I wasn't sure I'd make it through.

Tomorrow is one month. I am numb and can't think. I can't seem to respond to the world. Michael is standing in one place and we keep moving away from him.

I could post a picture of Michael today. He was 28. Through a series of incredible events, his father sent hime with me to Switzerland and Italy for two seeks in October. He is smiling here. The pain of remembering is too much right now, but I hope someday I will feel how miraculous our time together was. Today is three weeks since his funeral. How do we get through

I cling to my belief that they can hear us. That they know we are thinking of them, that we love them. I refuse to think that God would allow us to hurt in vain. I have to believe that whatever love we gave Michael and Christopher that they 'couldn't' feel (because of depression or whatever else was going on) they feel now. That they are happy now because whatever burdens they were carrying on earth are gone and God has given them an open door to experience all the love we have for them and that they are happy.

Maybe we have to go through this pain in order to 'earn' the privlege of being with them in heaven. Maybe those that don't hurt for our boys don't get to spend eternity by their side. But we do.

When my sons were growing up they asked me if I was afraid of dying. I answered "no" and said that I believe when we die God gives us all the answers to all our questions. And I do believe this...and so I believe my Christopher and your Michael know more about our love for them now then they could have ever known on earth. And I hope they are ok because maybe they know that we will see them again and be with them.

Carla, When it comes to birthdays, holidays, etc. you might want to do what I do...I buy him a card. I write a message of what I want him to know, write his name on the front, buy a stamp and I put it in the mailbox. I know it just goes to a bin at the post office and will never see the light of day again (I don't put a return address) but I feel better. I've told him what I want to say and honored him on his birthday or Christmas, whatever holiday, by getting him the card. It may seem odd but it makes me feel better.

Catherine

Carla, Thanks so much for your condolences and prayers. I too will pray for you as you go through this difficult time. Peace be with you, Janae

Dear Carla, I was thinking of you and hope you are getting through these very difficult days. I know my words can only give the tiniest bit of comfort...I wish I could give you a great big hug.

Carla,
My name is Yolanda, and like you I lost my son Javier on January 19th, 2009. He committed suicide and is so hard for me to believe that. I am so empty and numb, half of me died with him that day. I know exactly how you are feeling, He was 28 years old, a Sgt. in the USA Army in Fayetteville, NC, I miss him with all my heart, the holidays have no meaning for me without him, he was my only son and I thanked God that I have a daughter to help me cope with his loss. He also left me 3 beautiful grandchildren that look so much like him. I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. I will keep you in my prayers,

Yolanda, Upper Marlboro, MD

Dear Carla,
Thank you for your kind words and prayers. I wanted to tell you that there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't cry that first 6 months. I can't explain what happened but I believe my nephew has a lot to do with what I am about to tell you. It was Christmas Eve night. I'd had to work all day and was having Christmas dinner that night. I was so very busy I had no time to allow myself an emotional breakdown - I believe part of that was Christopher's doing. In my heart I know that he knew how badly I'd been hurting and I like to think he had a hand in keeping me busy that day. Well, later in the evening as everything started to slow down, my mind started to wander towards Christopher...my soon-to-be daughter in law then wanted to talk about wedding plans and what I thought she should do - another diversion by Christopher, I think. As I lay in bed that night, not doing bad but not ok either, a calm came to me. And just like that the pain wasn't the same as the day before. I hurt, I'm crying now, but its just not the same hurt. Its less about that physical pain you feel that takes over your entire body and more about loving him but not being able to show him, in person. My words just don't express what it is but I know that Christopher and God have given me a gift this Christmas. I believe that gift was the answer to my prayers...that Christopher no longer felt the pain of his life. That he only feels love, that he only knows love now.

Carla, I pray for the day to come when you have this sense of peace. But I also know that the pain you have today is a necessary part of grief. It is in direct correlation to how much you loved Michael - which I know was immeasurable. As a mother myself (ironically my oldest son's name is Michael) and an aunt whose lost a child who should have been my son, I know your pain and I know Michael is hurting with you. Pray for Michael, pray that he is a peace and has only love and keep telling yourself that he's ok now. Children like Michael and Christopher who love with all their heart those in their lives no matter how much hurt and disappointment they inflict deserve to be with God, surrounded by His love and with the knowledge of our love.

Keeping you in my prayers,
Catherine

Carla,
Thankyou you for your kind words. We are all here for each other. I cant take credit for this particular site but I am grateful that we have found it. I think your idea of getting help be it a grief support group, seeing a doctor or councellor or whatever "fits" is a good one. As for his gifts...hmm you could donate them in his name to the less fortunate.I know this reply comes late but I wanted you to know Im here to listen if that helps any. Im so sorry.
Sue

I've just figured out how to respond to those who have been so encouraging to me here. Today/tomorrow are horrible. What do I do with his gifts? Somtimes I cry and cry and others I can't cry. Is that normal to feel and then not feel anything? My heart breaks for the stories I have read here, but I know my husband and I need help to get through this right now I don't know how.

Carla,
Your loss is so new, please be gentle with yourself. Just keep breathing, take it slow. Im sorry for the loss of your son. Im sure many factors added to your sons duress, however a healthy mind would not react that way, I believe our loved ones were suffering from depression and not of their right mind. They arent suffering anymore. Im sorry you have reason to be here but know that many here are on the same journey and that you are not alone. Keep talking it helps. Try to find a good councellor if you can but most of all be kind to you. Im so sorry.
Sue