Another 'holiday' , this one, the last time I got to spend time with you. and Marking 11 months since you left us.   You were so scared to drive up here alone, but you did it anyways, I was so happy you did, and so proud.  We had a great weekend visiting, I cooked you feasts and you pigged out, Loved watching that!  We laughed, cooked together, and it was wonderful, I always felt complete peace when I was with you.   So, this weekend, not planning anything, just gonna ride it through, and remember the hugs, the laughter, your beautiful face and my last hug when you left that Memorial Day, I still feel it.  

    I'm really doing my best to move forward, it is lonely.  And yes, as I read in a post earlier, many folks who said they'd be there for me, were not , and still are not.  I've never gone through anything like this before, I pray God, never again.   I don't have a huge support network around me.  I Know, all I need is God.  But some earthly support would be nice <3   I look for it, but as soon as someone hears my story, they back away, now and then drop a caring word or two on facebook.   It takes all I have in me to leave the house , to go to the store or what ever, I make myself go, I'm always glad I did, but it's like moving Lead .  Some days are easier than others, and I pray they get a little easier, the pain lessening when I think of you, so good memories and love can shine through.  

I send out Love and Blessings to  all the parents here, God Bless you all <3 and God Bless our Children <3 They are always just a breath away <3

 ouch~~~ I wish you were here, I wish your sister was here, I hope and pray I hear from you today <3 <3 <3, and from your sis <3     Mic is doing his best to make this a good day for me, God Bless him <3    I love you Christopher, I love being your Mommy <3  

Happy Mother's day to all the Mom's here, and know we are all being celebrated in heaven by our children <3<3<3  God Bless us all <3

 ouch~~~ I wish you were here, I wish your sister was here, I hope and pray I hear from you today <3 <3 <3, and from your sis <3     Mic is doing his best to make this a good day for me, God Bless him <3    I love you Christopher, I love being your Mommy <3  

Happy Mother's day to all the Mom's here, and know we are all being celebrated in heaven by our children <3<3<3  God Bless us all <3

Hi Carol, I think of you often too my friend...  I luv u .

well just vented, expressed my self, my feelings, dang thing posted twice, I delete one of them and they both are poof gone!  Lord please, i'm tired, no more tests today. 

It has been nothing short of hell the past week since your birthday, I did ok on your birthday, making your cake, bought a beautiful bouquet of flowers, and picked up some good tortilla chips and salsa, it was about all the celebrating I could muster, wanting so much to celebrate your life. 

I have felt rage, shock, massive sadness, , irritable, and constantly asking God and everyone for forgiveness for not being stronger.   Today I shoveled the garden up, for hours, it never got softer, i dug and dug and dug, determined to work the rage and anger inside of me out.  I think I did, cause after dinner, I soaked in the tub ( body hurtin man)  and I cried a river, intensely, screaming so loudly nothing came out, but I Know God heard me, and I told Jesus he is the only one that can help me, and I know he will <3 <3   I love you and miss you so darn much , keep shining your light and reaching out to me, I feel you, when I close my eyes, I see you, and when I turn on the radio, I hear you <3 <3  ( the family thinks i'm nuts at this point, seriously, how do I deal with that?)

well just vented, expressed my self, my feelings, dang thing posted twice, I delete one of them and they both are poof gone!  Lord please, i'm tired, no more tests today. 

It has been nothing short of hell the past week since your birthday, I did ok on your birthday, making your cake, bought a beautiful bouquet of flowers, and picked up some good tortilla chips and salsa, it was about all the celebrating I could muster, wanting so much to celebrate your life. 

I have felt rage, shock, massive sadness, , irritable, and constantly asking God and everyone for forgiveness for not being stronger.   Today I shoveled the garden up, for hours, it never got softer, i dug and dug and dug, determined to work the rage and anger inside of me out.  I think I did, cause after dinner, I soaked in the tub ( body hurtin man)  and I cried a river, intensely, screaming so loudly nothing came out, but I Know God heard me, and I told Jesus he is the only one that can help me, and I know he will <3 <3   I love you and miss you so darn much , keep shining your light and reaching out to me, I feel you, when I close my eyes, I see you, and when I turn on the radio, I hear you <3 <3  ( the family thinks i'm nuts at this point, seriously, how do I deal with that?)

Christmas Blessings to you all <3 <3.  Today has been a quiet day, and I've made it through thanks to God and my family.  We opened gifts last night, first time ever to do that.  I'm so very glad we did it that way since mornings seem to be the toughest time for me.  And doing it that way allowed Today to be for Jesus <3  Our Church had an Amazing Christmas Eve Service , the music was absolutely awesome, and uplifting <3  

I wish I could say I had this amazing awesome Christmas Celebration, I put on my Christmas mask, and shopped, wrapped gifts, made a nice Christmas Dinner, and now, glad that part is over,,,,Tomorrow will be a day of rest, reflection, and self care.  God Bless ALL of you <3  December 30th will mark 6 months since Chris left us, I miss him, I can still hear his voice saying " Hi Mommy, I love you "  even writing that makes my eyes well up with tears, my heart cries out for him.  Truely I was blessed with him , he saved my life , for I was on the wrong path when I conceived him and everything turned around for me, HE became the most important thing in my life, and I feel great sadness I couldn't save his <3  

Now that I have babbled on , quite random, sorry, it's just how it's coming up and out, thank you everone for listening, for sharing, it really does help us all to know we are not alone <3  Peace and Love  and God's blessings to you all <3

Carol, thank you so much for sharing this with us...thank you,

janice

Hi Carol I just read Garys candle lighting ceremony and it made me tear up as all this does. I don't want to be here and christmas is just a bit away. I have picked up cards yesterday and luckily we went to florida on a mini vacation and saw dad and spent time with mom and Lee. It was very nice very get away you know some of those rides at universal park are very out of this world get you away for the duration of the ride anyway... thinking of you and our beautiful sons... who want us to be happy not so terribly sad.. i cannot help it. he was part of me that part of me is not gone but it stays the same.... you know what i mean. carrie L

Hi Carol I just read Garys candle lighting ceremony and it made me tear up as all this does. I don't want to be here and christmas is just a bit away. I have picked up cards yesterday and luckily we went to florida on a mini vacation and saw dad and spent time with mom and Lee. It was very nice very get away you know some of those rides at universal park are very out of this world get you away for the duration of the ride anyway... thinking of you and our beautiful sons... who want us to be happy not so terribly sad.. i cannot help it. he was part of me that part of me is not gone but it stays the same.... you know what i mean. carrie L