My dear, sweet Amanda -

My heart breaks for you.  I havent been on this board for a couple of months, as each time I appear I know it is because my heart aches and I need someone who understands a little about what I am going through.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to live through - so far.  I pray that it is always the hardest thing, because if it were any harder I am not sure I would be able to live through it all again.

Hang in there!  This is a good place to find some answers, find some person or persons who can remotely identify with your feelings. 

I lost my brother 18 months ago.  I was there when we found him in his apartment.  He bled to death.  I remember his eyes, the way he was laying, the temperature of the room, the smell in the air, the sound of his tv not being on.....and yet when I close my eyes to go to sleep every night I see his face the last time I saw him.  I cant seem to get it out of my mind.  It hurts me to my very core, my very being.  It makes me so sad. Just an incredibly heavy heart.  Ya know?  Its so hard to put in to words.  But I know you know what I mean.

New Years Eve was difficult but also a time when I learned something from many posts on this board.  I read that it didnt matter if it had been two months, two years, or twenty or more years...it never gets easier.  The pain is still there, the void is there, my brother is not here.  I get myself through the days. Some days I dont get out of bed.  But when I am ready, I do.  I cry at work, sometimes just sit and stare at my computer screen for what seems like hours.  But I get through the day.

For a year I didnt drive the same way home, because it made me cry.  Now I drive by about once a week.  Sometimes I cry.

Im not going to say it doesnt suck, because it does! Its not fair.

I got to a point about six months ago that I was tired of people saying "He is in a better place now. He isnt suffering or in pain any more."  But I now say "Yeah, but I miss my friend. I miss talking to him, miss the sound of his annoying voice, miss his laughter, miss the way he always smelled so good. I miss the Scott that brought joy and laughter to me. I think it sucks that he isnt here to make our niece and nephew laugh and see them grow up."

I miss my brother, but even more I miss my friend.

Sometimes I have to tell myself to breathe.  The days I have to do that are getting further in between, but they are there and probably always will be.

We cant changed the passing of our brothers, but we can adjust our lives to incorporate them even more now that they are gone.

Find what brings you joy, share what brought your brother joy with other people.  Keep pictures around for comfort. its all about you right now. I go to see two counselors now. It is what helps me right now.  I know it wont be forever. Its just for now.

My first session I just cried the entire time.  I recently had a meltdown and spent the first 30 minutes cussing and being pissed off.  Talk about a weird session!  But it was what I needed at that time.

Hang in there....I know I keep saying that.  But its true, sometimes we just barely hang on and getting through the next hour seems like the biggest effort ever. 

you will find your way and yourself again. It is just going to take a little time.

Please keep in touch with me, Amanda.  My name is Carrie.

Carrie.swearengin@gmail.com 602.472.9176 is my cell if you ever want to text or cry with someone on the other line.  :-)