Dearest Carla:

I am so glad you let me know you received my comment.  I posted it and then inadvertently hit the delete key by accident.  Please know that you are not alone, that there is ALWAYS someone standing in your corner, even when physically, you may be complete strangers, on the soul level we are eternally entwined by the roads we have been forced to walk.  But when you look beside you, behind or in front of you, you will see all of us right there, on that same road.  We may all be at different places on that road, some taking their first heartbreaking steps onto that exclusive road we never asked to walk in the first place, others may be waiting a few miles ahead.  Some may be retracing their steps with a purpose to somehow alleviate others pain, grief or bad day.  Unfortunately, we are all members of a club we never wanted to join.  I am here just in case I can let one soul, just one other soul heal a bit. Never completely, but every little bit matters.  Hope during the few moments it takes to read this message, it gave you peace  of mind...even if it was only for a moment.  Blessings to you

Carla - hope you are doing okay - some days I think, "I'm doing okay today 0 not too bad" - but then a meltdown comes before bedtime...I haven't had a sane day since this occurred - keep reading what people write and pray that someday I will be able to cope - we both know we will never forget, but pray that we can get by...Lulu

Carla - just a short note to let you know I am thinking of you...Lulu

Carla - I am praying for you to have plenty of strength to get through tomorrow - my daughter's birthday was June 23rd - and to be honest, I was a mess all day long - today she has been gone 18 weeks - I am still counting, still crying, still crushed - I don't think others understand - I know that I wouldn't have before this happened to me...I can't see an end to the sorrow or an end to my memories - I feel like I whine when I come to this site - but it is an outlet for things that I can not say to others...I wish the best for you tomorrow..and if nothing else, you will know that I am thinking of you and sharing your pain...Lulu

HI CARLA, I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR "TALKING" TO ME! I WILL NEVER GET OVER THIS, NOR WILL I EVER FORGET HIM. I HAVE A DAUGHTER, FOUR GRANDKIDS, AND 8 GREAT-GRANDS, AND ONE ON THE WAY.I HAVE A WONDERFUL FAMILY, AND HUSBAND (MIKE'S STEP-FATHER). WE HAD TALKED ABOUT DEATH BEFORE, HE ASKED ME TO DO TWO THINGS FOR HIM, THAT I COULDN'T BRING MYSELF TO DO. NUMBER ONE--TALK AT HIS FUNERAL, AND NUMBER TWO "I DON'T WANT MY DAD THERE". MIKE'S DAD (MY EX-HUSBAND) HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM, EVEN AFTER HE GO SO SICK. ON A CELL PHONE CALL FROM MIKE, HE ALWAYS ENDED THE CONVERSATION WITH--"SEE YA, LOVE YA BUD, BYE" I SAID "I AM NOT YOUR BUD, I AM YOUR MOM, HE RESPONED WITH "BUT YOU ARE MY BEST BUD!" WE PUT THAT ON HIS TOMBSTONE, EXCEPT THE BYE. I HAD A FRIEND SING "GONE AWAY WITH A FRIEND" THERE WAS MORE THAN 400 PEOPLE THERE (FUNERAL), EVEN SOME OUTSIDE IN THE COLD. SO WE HAD TO LEAVE OUT SOME THINGS THAT HE WANTED--A SONG THAT WAS TOO LONG. I AM SO GLAD I FOUND THIS WEB SITE, IT SEEMS LIKE SOMETIMES NOBODY UNDERSTANDS, SO IF I START TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT MIKE--I CATCH MYSELF AND JUST KEEP IT BOTTLED UP INSIDE. MY FIRST COUNSELOR -- I DIDN'T LIKE, HE WAS A FORMER COUNSELOR AT A PRISON, HE WOULD TELL ME PRISONER STORIES, FINALLY I DECIDED NO MORE. THEN I FOUND ANOTHER ONE, AND CLOSER, AND SHE IS AWESOME!! I WISH I KNEW WHAT TO SAY TO YOU ALL, EXCEPT I DO KNOW YOUR FEELINGS OF SUCH A GREAT LOSS. THREE WEEKS AFTER MIKE, MY UNCLE,MORE LIKE A BROTHER, HE WAS ONLY SEVEN YEARS OLDER THAN ME, HE LIVED IN ARIZONA, AND WE COULDN'T GO--BUT THERE IS A CHURCH PEW WITH A MEMORIAL PLAQUE ON IT, IN PINETOP, ARIZONA, PUT THERE BY MY SISTER AND MYSELF. WHEN MIKE GOT SICK MY UNCLE WAS MY ROCK TO LEAN ON! I DO BELIEVE THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON--IT IS VERY HARD NOT TO ASK GOD "WHY"?I GREW UP IN A VERY WONDERFUL CHRISTIAN FAMILY, THAT HAS TRULY HELPED ME, EACH DAY I GET A LITTLE BETTER, SIX MONTHS AGO--I COULDN'T WRITE THIS WITHOUT TEARS FLOWING. I STILL CRY, USUALLY WHEN I LEAST EXPECT IT THOUGH, OR AT NIGHT OR THE FIRST THING EACH MORNING. AT FIRST, I PUT ALL OF HIS PICTURES AWAY, THAT DIDN'T TAKE THE PICTURES OUT OF MY HEAD THOUGH, I DON'T KNOW IF IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO OR NOT, SO I PUT THEM UP AGAIN. MIKE IS "GONE AWAY WITH A FRIEND".

Hi Carla. Thanks so much for your comment. I am a suicide survivor, of sorts, myself. I attempted it as a teenager and, just a few years ago, sought refuge in the hospital to keep myself from going that way again. This I know -- suicide is never "a choice." Those who take their own lives are suffering. They see no other way out (for whatever reason). I'm so sorry you had to hear that [those other comments]. The fact is, your child is gone. I've found myself voicing my opinions -- preaching really -- about how suicide prevention recently. There is so much education that can be done; so many misconceptions. My own saving grace, over and over and over again, has been a close and loving family. Also, just the slow recognition that I suffer from a genuine illness, and eventually gave up fighting the fact that I needed medication to help control it....

But, thank you for your response. My friends who lost their son: they had a gathering over the weekend. Most of their family members (from other states, countries) will be heading home soon. So I do plan to send a note next week; maybe give a call. And I'll keep doing that. My only corollary in my own experience echoes what you said in your note: that to say *nothing* is the hardest thing of all. I am gathering a list of resources, like this site, for my friend. If she hasn't found it already, I think this will be a great comfort. much love, Margaret

I just wanted to thank you for your kind words of support. Today's been a hard day--it was the funeral, and I wasn't sure I'd make it through.