Cheryl, congratulations on your grandbaby. There's nothing like the maternal rush of holding your first grandchild. I'm sorry it has to be bittersweet and so sorry your husband wasnt' here for it. You're right, it is an accumulative thing. Try to find the joy that your husband would have felt also holding that precious baby. I'm so tired right now I can barely keep my eyes open so I'll write again later. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Judy
Cheryl, get that massage. I try to get one regularly for the touch. I cried during the whole hour the first one after Gary's death. She was so kind and understanding and just let me soak her floor. It's one way to have that contact that we need so much. I even get pedicures just so I can have the foot massage. Gary used to sit with my feet in his lap and I'd be in heaven as he'd rub my feet. If you feel like it sometime, I'd love to hear about your husband, who he was, what he liked to do and what was special about him. Sometimes I want to talk about Gary alot and other times I hold him tight in my heart. It is an odd feeling though to try and describe him to someone who didn't know him. It's Wednesday now and I've been a little better since my wailing last Sunday. My daughter in law and I started walking and stair climbing while my grandson is at football practice so I hope it's going to help to get some vigorous exercise. I've been wanting to start but kept putting it off so I'm glad she's motivated too. Well, I'm at work now and it's time for a meeting so I better go. I hope you have one of the better days today.
Cheryl, thank you for writing to me. I had a particularly bad day today and it helps to hear from someone who feels the same way. I'm so sorry, though, that you are suffering also. You expressed the exact feelings I'm having. Do you ever wonder how long it will go on? Someone told me Friday that I look like my old self again. That's so far from the truth, because I feel awful. I guess I hide it well enough at work most of the time but it takes so much energy out of me. My family was gone for awhile this morning and I thought, this is what it's going to be like when they leave, alone and quiet. I cried for an hour. I used to like my alone time but now I panic. I feel sick, I too let things go and I don't eat well because I don't cook for myself. It's stupid and I feel like I'm whinning but I know you understand. I had strong support in the beginning but they're all back to their own lives now. When I do socialize with good friends, I have pangs because they're all couples and I'm not anymore. It's so strange. One thing I miss the most from my husband is being held. My sons will give me a quick hug but they're not in to holding me. They don't understand and are experiencing their own path of grief. I'm sorry to be rambling. I'm so grateful for your email I just want to pour my heart out. I want you to know I'm here to listen to you also if you need it. No one else really knows what it's like unless they've experienced it even though people mean well. Even my family. Thank you Cheryl. Stay strong as much as you can. And I'd love to stay in touch. Judy