Connie, it has been a while since I have been here. *talking* to you gave some comfort. this club, the club no one wants to be in, is the place we can speak freely of our pain. it is where our 'crazy' is understood. I do feel crazy sometimes. the grief is so heavy. i spend most days thinking she is busy, kind of peripheral vision. When I focus though, I have to see that she is not going to visit or call. and those times I feel like I cannot handle myself. like I have fallen into a deep dark well and there is no way out. there are plenty of people to help, but they look helplessly on, not knowing how to help. i fear for my younger daughter and son. In their search for a life without their big sister I know they come upon the same types of days. I don't know how to help them when I cannot even help myself. And my mother, she is alone with three dogs, but she is far and I know her bad days are really bad. she also has the loss of my father 40 years ago and the losses of her parents, my grandparents, 10 and 12 years ago. I don't know how she does it. she doesn't talk about it much, but I know it is there.
Connie, I am sending out comforting thoughts and wishes for the memories to keep you warm-
Connie - how happy she looks! I have been i n therapy for 6 years this April = the month she was murdered - also take lots of meds - I just can feel myself coming apart if I miss a dose. Guess that is never going to change! And I would love to have you as a friend!
Connie wow you have such a changed life now. I love that photo of your daughter. I have some great ones of my son. I really kind of look away it is still so hard to believe. I hate it. YOu have some really good memories which should give you great pleasure when the pain is not there which I am sure it is constantly. A group of gals is a great thing. So much death and loss is a horrible tragedy something that really is life altering. I am the only one with this loss of a child. How did I get to be the one. I am thankful it wasn't sooner but I sure could have been gone first so I didn't know about it that would be better. Life goes on. Our selves and our children are in danger every day. I hope you are ok. where are you? I am in Kentucky I was hoping to meet someone close. for there is no compassionate friends here. there is in lexington. but it is too far. I talk to a gal in florida. she is in a great deal of pain. our children were both 24. she lost her baby i lost my first born. both tragic and sad as your child.I am so sorry. didn't you always think it was someone elses problem? i did.... I feel like a bad mom cause I had things to do and make up for that I never got a chance. Carrie L
Hi Connie sorry for your loss. life is not the same is it? I feel the sadness all the time and want to smoke ciggarettes to change the thought process yesterday I didn't smoke any so today I won't either. I don't want to ruin my health either but the pain is so constant and the thoughts i don't think he would want me to think about his death the way i do. but i cannot help it. carrie L
Thank you so much for writing me back. I am sorry to hear about your daughter. Your words are so encouraging. It is amazing how finding people who share in your feelings can help lift your spirits. Continue to pray for me and I, of course, will continue to pray for you and all the members of this wonderful support group.
I can see that we do have similar experiences. I went through that, too, where my crying changed quite a bit. I am back to crying each day. Little things come back and kind of ''stab'' me. I have gone from one extreme to another. she is on my mind each day.
my daughter and grandson chose not to move with us. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I knew I could not be the mom she needed. I would have hovered over her and overprotected her and would have probably ruined our relationship. We talk on the phone nearly each day, at first each day, then a little less. We use skype. it is awesome. I went to her when she called, when my grandson was 11 days old and helped for 3 weeks. Then we brought her and her boyfriend and baby over here for a nice long summer vacation last summer. and this year we are going there for 3 weeks. Lets her grow up. It seems like a cop out or running away, but it really is not. sometimes i feel wicked guilt, but i know me and the way we were all so close, I just would have suffocated her. I know it. Her dad lives in MT too. And I was with her each day, by phone, it was the best I could do for her. we collect angels for her sister--they were so close, so close, like 2 peas in a pod and oh they love their little brother. i had the perfect family. i did. i feel guilty right now, because i still have so much but I can not feel like it is a perfect family without her. I know that is not fair to the others, but i don't know how to fix it in my head.
better go to bed now. gonna journal for a bit first.
and thank you for being there Connie.
Connie, that poor little girl. it must be too much for her all at once, and at such a young age. Kids do seem to cope with things much differently than adults. I don't think it is easier by any means, they just do it in lots of little chunks, my son was 7 and my daughter 15 when their older sister left. they have their moments and we just cry together, remember together and wish her back together, love her together.
Do you ever feel like you are talking about her on, I am not sure how to explain it, but on a different level than you feel? like, I can tell people about her sometimes and be like on the third floor where it does not make me in agony cause the agony is on the first floor. I am not in touch with the true feelings of what this has done to me sometimes. I just can't be, it destroys me.
I went to the doctor this past fall. I was low. I was crying each and every day. I was lost and lower than ever. Having vivid dreams of a big red truck coming toward me and I decided to swerve into that lane and let the pain be gone. i begged and begged for help. the doctors here in Denmark were not a lot of help, let me tell you. I worked and worked and worked my way out of that. It was hard and I just kept thinking of my kids and my husband to keep a hold on sanity. I don't want to die, I just need a break from the pain to go on sometimes, but there is no break. and gosh, I know she would want me happy. Happy was when my family was whole, so waht is this? I want to be happy. I want to honor her life. i want her. I just go back over our conversations and I want more of them with her. I want new pictures. I want her to be happy and living. It is so hard, as you well know. We did not always have an easy relationship--perhaps we were too much alike. We knew exactly how to make each other crazy and we knew how much we love each other and how important family is. the teenage years were tough, she wanted to be free and I wanted to keep her safe. i was looking forward to the times where we would get along again and now I will never get that. I miss her so much.
Connie, I better go. It was a nice vacation and I cried each day wanting my WHOLE family with, it was one of my dreams. I am happy to have had my son and husband, they are no less important than the girls. And we had some very wonderful experiences. I just think you know what I mean, when I say the whole family together is awesome.