I hate this existence. It is truly nothing. It is get up, get what absolutely has to be done done, go to bed. There is not a smile, not a moment of joy. It is crossing things off a list. Things that have to be done so it appears to our children and the outside world like we give a damn. Cayden has three birthday parties this weekend so I will dutifully go to the store later and purchase gifts so she can go to the parties, appear normal and have fun. But it is not normal, it is not enough. Reese… Continue

I am a failure. I have always tried not to fail, to get good grades, be a good friend a good wife, a good mother, a good employee. But I am faced with the fact that I have failed. The ultimate failure is my daughter is not alive, she died, of no cause, no one can tell me what happened, why at 28 months my beautiful little girl did not wake up, she does not get to live and I failed her. Every single day I feel that failure in the fact that she is no longer here. I should be slathering her and… Continue

Honey,



I just saw an ad for a new movie, its called "Despicable me". it is animated and I don't know why but in looking at the commercial I KNOW it would make you laugh, even though it is too old for you, I KNOW you would like it, I know what laugh it would be, the belly laugh that starts out slow and builds. I KNOW exactly what your face would look like as you smiled and what your body would feel like as it shook with the laughter. I know your sisters will want to see it but this… Continue

Sweet pea,



I just walked in the door. Dad, Reesie and Cayden were on the couch. I said "hi", I heard nothing. No one even responded. NOTHING. All I could think on my way up the front stairs is that there would be no little feet running at me squealing "mama's home, mama's home, I missed you so much mama", no little arms wrapping around my legs in a hug of pure love, no one scrambling to get picked up to tell me that "I love you so much mama, so much". No one that would so excitedly… Continue

Mother's Day. I have early memories of being a kid. Of shopping for bathrobes with my dad, making cards for my mom of breakfasts in bed, of a normal, happy family but then my mom died when I was 11 about a month before Mother's Day. For years I hated it. In school we would make gifts and do projects for our mom for Mother's Day and I always felt awkward, embarrassed. I would make something for my grandmother, it wasn't the same, everyone else had their mom. I always thought that teacher's… Continue

Sweetheart,



Mama is missing you so so much. My body craves your weight, to feel you on me. I know exactly what level I need to bend to to scoop you up, where my hands need to land to be under your arms to pull you close. I know how you will feel, which way you will curve into me whether I am taking you out of your crib, out of your car seat or out of the tub. I want to give you a bath and watch you giggle while I wash your ticklish legs and float on your back while chanting "I… Continue

When I die I want my epitaph to read "she died of a broken heart". Because that is where I am, that is what I have. My heart is truly shattered, broken in a way that will never heal. Whether I die next week or in 50 years this is the beginning of the end. The time when I stopped thinking of my life as how long I had been alive and started looking it as how much closer I am to death. Emerson has been gone for 46 days, therefore I am 46 days closer to my own demise. 46 days closer to being with… Continue

Once I was on top of the world

not knowing how far there was to fall



That in only a moment my world could change

and I could lose it all



My days have gone from kisses and joy

To tears and endless pain



I sit and watch the seconds pass

Until I can hold you close again



My baby girl where did you go

How could you slip away



Mama needs you here with her

To get me through my day



I carry you with me… Continue

Since I have had to get you out of your crib as you asked to come in "mama's bed", since we have have had our morning cuddle with our blankets arranged just right, me under my quilt and you with your blankie. Since we have talked about the dog picture on the wall and looked out the window at the trees before going to drag your sisters out of bed. Since I have held your pudgy hand, since we have snuggled on the couch to watch Dora, since we have split a coffee and punky bread, since I have… Continue

I can not breathe. The pain just goes on and on and on. I want my life back, I want my child back, I want a do over, I deserve a do over. I deserve so much more than the hand I have been dealt. My family is destroyed, my life is destroyed, there is not coming back from this. Everything has changed. The seconds tick by, I can not escape, I do not know how any one does this, I do not know how they will themself to. I am not a weak person and I am not going to make it. I can not function without… Continue

I spent the morning in bed trying to talk Em. I did not see the kids open their baskets and they are looking for eggs at their grandmothers house later. I told Emmie all about Easter morning and what she should be doing and how I know she would react to different things. I told her about the Dora watering can that would have been in her basket and how much fun we would have watering the flowers out front this summer. I told her about her little green dress she is supposed to be wearing today… Continue

I want my child. I have spent a month here without her. The most excruciatingly painful month of my life. A month that would have been better off not lived. A month I would happily give up to be with my baby girl.



A child needs their mother. This is a fact. I know this fact in so many different ways, however none of them align. A child needs their mother. I desperately needed mine growing up, but she got sick when I was 10, died shortly after I turned 11. She was not there to tell me… Continue

So Scott leaves me home with Reese this afternoon. I am literally never alone with the kids. Yesterday he printed out a bunch of pictures of Emmie and put them in albulms for the girls. Reese starts looking through hers and loses it. Crying, sobbing, asking what happened and can she see Emmie one more time. WHY did this happen to us? I can not even function to comfort her. She tells me that someone told her that they know someone that got hit by a car and did not even die. She is asking what… Continue

This can not be real, how can this have happened. It is like the most horrifying nightmare in the world and I can not wake up. I am going crazy.



I am lying on the couch, where I have been since I got up. I have nothing in me today. Having to go to the play yesterday was all I could do. The kids are eating dinner on the couch. Whatever Scott nuked them. We used to sit at the table as a family every night. We have not had one meal as a family since Emmie died. We are no longer a… Continue

Living is always better than dying.....until its not.



Today was a day that makes me realize how much we have lost, in addition to the ultimate loss, of Emmie. Reese had a party for a little girl in her class which for Reese is a big deal. The party happened to be at Kidz Planet which is where Reese had her party in January. One of the videos we have of Emmie is my three girls in the lobby there waiting for Reese's party to start. They are all hyped up, laughing and chasing each other… Continue

I look at the pictures of Emerson. She is sooooo beautiful. I can tell you when everyone was taken, where we were, what we were doing. I remember how it felt. There is one of us camping this past fall. It was unseasonably cold. We are lying in one of those zero gravity chairs, we both have on our vests, I know what her weight felt like lying along my body, I know the warmth of her cheek on my lips in the cold air. We were snuggling to stay warm. I remember the moment exactly. That weekend we… Continue

I had to drive Cayden to her play dress rehearsal tonight. It is the first time I have been outside after dark since we lost Emerson. You know the look the sky gets at night, in the last moments of twilight when the trees are dark shadows against the sky and the world looks huge. I used to love that but tonight all I could think was -Emerson, where are you? How can a child that I created and brought into this world just be gone. How can someone with her happiness and love just be gone, no where… Continue

I do not believe it, I just do not believe it. I am looking at pictures. Emerson is FINE, she is perfect, she is growing thriving, she has beautiful skin, full head of hair, shiny eyes. She is HEALTHY. What happened to her. How am I supposed to live without her. I do not want to live without her not even for a minute more. I need my baby. I am screaming inside. I am shattered. I do not want to try. I want her. I don't care what else I have to lose. I have lost everything. I lost my little girl.… Continue

I told the kids a story. I told them how when babies grow in their mommies belly they take a little piece of their mommy's heart and that is where their own heart grows from. The little piece they take from their mom grows with them and turns into their own heart and someday when they have babies those babies will get a little piece of their heart, which will be made from a little piece of mine and that is how we are all connected and why moms love their children more than anything in to world.… Continue

Scott and I snapped at each other for the first time tonight. His mother called because she has a virus on her computer and wants him to fix it- can he come down tomorrow? I was sooo mad. I snapped at him "why don't you tell her no, my daughter is dead, hire someone, she should not be asking you for anything". Scott did not think it was a big deal, she does so much for us. I know I overreacted but I was enraged, not at her, just at everything. So a few minutes later he is sighing which is what… Continue