So sorry for your losses Teresa.  That's a lot to bear in such a short time.

     I too got that knock on my door.  I opened it to see 2 state troopers who gave me the news that started this nightmare.  I was in such shock for so long that I couldn't even understand what had happened.  I walked around for the first 5 months after this on "auto-pilot".  I don't know how I went to work, took care of my kids, coached soccer etc..  It took me awhile before I could even begin to talk to people about what happened, but I am so glad that I sought a support group.  I hope you have done the same, it really helps to be with people who understand the things you are going through.  Hospice offers grief counseling and grief camps during the summer.  Me and my girls attended one and it really helped.  Within the first 5 minutes of my first group session, the leader of the group shared everything that that I had been going through!  It was such a comfort to know that I wasn't losing my mind and that I wasn't the only one experiencing these things.  It was a turning point for me and I began to seek all the knowledge about what I was going through.  I went to the library and checked out several books about grief as well.  Grief is hard whether expected or not, but sudden death can be very difficult to handle on your own.  This fall I attended "Grief Share" at our local hospital, and that has made the biggest difference in my recovery. 

    I still miss him so badly and this is hard, but I also know that I will get through it and you will too.  Please seek all the support you can, I wish I had done it sooner.  We are here for you and you are not alone in all of this, just remember to reach out.   I too dread the holidays.  Just remember it's ok to do things differently if you need to.  I took my girls to the beach for Father's day and that helped a lot.  I know we won't always be able to avoid the holidays, but we can start new traditions.  Hugs to you.